Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Monday, October 06, 2008 )

What things are 8-year-olds repeating that they don’t understand?

“I don’t love you the way I love her.”

“Sometimes you’ve just got to let him go.”

“We were just using each other.”

“Our Congress has failed us.”

“This isn’t my war.”

“No blood for oil.”

“I’m getting more in touch with my feminine side.”

“We can’t say for sure what causes global warming.”

“Better dead than red.”

“Mom, stop smothering me.”

“I have to be my own man.”

“We need to clean up Washington.”

“We have to take the war to the terrorists.”

“Our enemies define themselves.”

“We’re tired of the old politics as usual.”

“You don’t have the courage to stay and fight for this marriage.”

“Mom, I’m gay.”

“John McCain is a real maverick.”

“You’re either for me or against me.”

“Not tonight. I have a headache.”

[Insert just about anything Sarah Palin said during the vice presidential debate here.]

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(Originally posted Monday, October 06, 2008 )

Just reminding you, in case you like the ragged glory of rock ‘n’ roll made in a basement, I have my own homemade tunes up at ER Salo Deguierre’s page.

Because of “The Retributioners,” I haven’t had time to record any new songs lately, but pretty soon, as Robert Plant sang, the levee will break and Salo will burst forth with new offerings. Until then, I would be remiss if I didn’t at least remind people that the music was there. If you think your friends would like it, please tell them! If you think your enemies would like it, that’s OK too.

Fan favorites include “The Names” and “Cleopatra.”

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(Originally posted Sunday, October 05, 2008 )

–*Your mom and pop will likely have to liquidate all their short positions and sell equities at a less than optimal value and move into a trailer with aluminum siding and compressed fiberboard floors.

–*Your aunt Maybelle’s futures contracts may cause her to lose money if her contango curve changes to backwardation and she will have to burn her house for the insurance money.

–*It’s very probable that your Uncle Ernie is going to have to short the S&P 500 by selling futures, but will likely be roaming the streets naked like a homeless veteran addled by lithium if the market becomes discontinuous and sees a wild swing upward.

–*Your aunt Clara will more than likely see money from her merger arbitrage strategies erased by a ban on short selling and she will have to cut open and eat her dog Jessiepoo.

–*Your uncle Ralph will likely find that his portfolio has been laden with risk from toxic credit default swaps and he will have to suckle a homeless, infantless mother in the streets like the guy in that John Steinbeck novel.

–*Your grandfather will likely have had his brokerage accounts permanently frozen by Lehman Brothers and he will have to eat himself, starting with his feet and working his way up, hopefully being able to stop by the time he reaches his own head.

–*Your grandmother’s ill-fated turn into junk bonds will likely turn out to be a catastrophe as she was too early to reach that important thousand-point spread over Treasurys, which means she will likely have to take up an opium habit she had left behind in the 1940s.

–*Your sister will likely have to unwind her leverage by paying $3 million to Wachovia bank by tomorrow for outstanding margin lending she was doing to fund a highly sophisticated asset-backed securities scheme, and then she will have to fight with a homeless man named Stewie over the property rights to an abandoned Frigidaire refrigerator packing box.

–*Your brother will likely have to pull the plug on his computer program that does automatic pairs trading for him, and he’ll probably go crazy and start shooting people while wearing the proud aegis of the U.S. Postal Service.

–*Your cousin will have to pull his naked shorts bets–a practice in which you sell shares you haven’t even bought–which will leave him millions of dollars in debt and force him to sell his internal organs without the luxury of having even died yet.

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(Originally posted Sunday, October 05, 2008 )

There’s another “Retributioners” coming around the corner in the next few days, as Stephanie and I feverishly race to finish editing “Episode 9: Revenge of the JAPs.”

One of the guest stars of this Webisode is Jessica Arinella, who is also the star of her own Web series “The In-Betweens of Holly Malone,” a really funny serial that you can check out here.

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(Originally posted Friday, October 03, 2008 )

…about Sarah Palin, now appearing on YouTube:

You can link to it here.

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(Originally posted Friday, October 03, 2008 )

What were the highlights of the vice presidential debate between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden?

–*In the spirit of Alaska, Palin bit off her own hand to get out of a snare of microphone wires.

–*Joe Biden sat down on the stage and sang a song to Elmo about the troubled environment. Elmo shot back that Biden was patronizing him.

–*Palin said she wanted to expand the executive authority of the VP to be overlord of the fish and the beasts and heaven.

–*Palin said she was more supportive of the middle class than Joe Biden because she keeps making new middle class people in her belly.

–*Biden tried to be folksy like Palin by talking about some unemployed steel workers he met, but the story wasn’t really going anywhere until he got to the anecdote about the steel worker who was also an aspiring flash dancer.

–*Palin says she refuses to play “the blame game” about who failed to prosecute war in Iraq, who caused the Wall Street meltdown, who caused man-made global warming, who killed Nicole Brown Simpson, who broke into Watergate and who shot who in the face.

–*Palin asked Biden if she could call him “Joe.” After disarming him with this charm, she then blindsided him with the joke about why blondes wear panties.

–*When Biden cornered Palin on the issue of her lack of Wall Street knowledge, Palin answered: “So they can keep their ankles warm!”

–*Palin said she was confident that we could remove our dependence on foreign oil shortly after opening all the oil taps in Alaska and then discovering three more Alaskas somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.

–*Biden said he was for gay marriage if by “gay” you meant happy.

–*Palin said that she was against gay marriage and that her gay friend Elmo was in complete agreement with her.

–*”So you can take her home like a six pack.”

–*Biden said that he and running mate Barack Obama would support a bailout plan for Wall Street as long as it had clear oversight measures that didn’t reward financial firms for taking on more risk or overleveraging themselves. Palin responded by saying she would personally drive a wooden stake through the heart of anybody who was greedy.

–*Palin says she believes a woman should have an abortion only in cases where she is raped by the mother.

–*Biden believes that we should make incursions into Pakistan to fight Al Qaeda in cross-border raids, even though this is possibly an infringement on the sovereignty of an unstable nuclear power. Palin’s cue card says we should not snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in Iraq.

–*Palin’s cue cards mainly, though, say “hockey mom,” “As we like to say in Wasilla….” “Maverick,” “I know what you’re sayin’ there,” and “Doggone it, people like me.”

–*After the debates, the pundits say both candidates rose high above expectations. Biden showed his far-ranging knowledge of foreign, economic and social policy and thumped his 35 years of public service. Palin finished her sentences.

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(Originally posted Thursday, October 02, 2008 )

Many are worried that vice presidential nominee Joe Biden must walk a slippery slope in his debate with Sarah Palin tomorrow night, as Biden risks looking patronizing or indelicate if he plays too rough with the charming but politically inexperienced neophyte. What are some of the ways Biden can finesse the sexual dynamic and defuse any subtle gender politics?

–*Palin might try to use her charm to great effect at the expense of reason and logic. Biden should counter this by bringing Paris Hilton’s dog with him on stage. Nobody can resist a man with a dog.

–*Biden should act more like Jack Nicholson, who manages to cool women down with such zingers as “Women are just like men, except you take away logic and accountability.”

–* … or the immortal line “Sarah, could you hold that thought? And by ‘hold’ I mean I want you to hold it between your knees.”

–*Biden should ask her to name some national capitals and world leaders. If this sounds patronizing, he can add that he gives her an automatic “C+” for effort and invite her to sit on his lap.

–*Biden should say that he’s come to protect her from that pimp John McCain and get all angry and macho and stuff.

–*He should sing her the “Madame Librarian” song from “The Music Man,” throwing off her glasses and inciting her to dance.

–*He should blindfold her and say “Pick up the money.”

–*He should pretend to be her best gay friend, inspiring her to live out loud.

–*He should start the debate by giving her a slap on the ass.

–*He can kiss her. Kiss her hard.

–*A good slap calms them down.

–*Also, he could try using one of the favorite lines men in Queens use on women, “I want to get wit’ you,” or “You’re kind of fly,” or “Show me your beaver so I know you’re not a cop.”

–*Or, he could simply let her win, which is what a gentleman does for a lady.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, October 01, 2008 )

Why did the bi-partisan economic emergency bailout plan crafted by the president and Congressional leaders fail to pass the House of Representatives on Monday?

–*House Republicans were enraged about a plan that would help bail out rich people and said they would not be satisfied until tax cuts were added that would help bail out rich people.

–*Alaska’s representatives wouldn’t sign it unless they got an earmark for a glorious new “Bridge To Somewhere.”

–*John McCain led a fifth column effort against the plan, wanting so much to show that he is not like George Bush that he would even drive the economy into a Malthusian state of abject poverty and cannibalism to do so.

–*Everybody was about to vote yes on the bill when Congress was suddenly overrun by a phalanx of wild hogs.

–*Republican congressmen believe nobody should ever interfere with the free market, or even say, step forward with a fire hose if the whole free market were being consumed in a conflagration of smashing marble columns and broken glass.

–*One Congressman said the bailout would put us on the path to socialism. “If you lose your ability to fail, soon you will lose your ability to succeed,” he said. He then went home and set all of his young children free.

–*Conservatives want to make sure we learn the lesson that every action has a consequence. Even though, whether the bill passes or not, many of the biggest Wall Street executives responsible for this mess are going off with golden handshake deals, retiring to their Roman style pools to spend their free time getting hand jobs from Swedish milkmaids until they die with smiles so big you can’t pry them off their faces.

–*Bailing out Wall Street firms, said one Republican, is exactly what the Bolsheviks would have done. (I wish I was kidding on this one, but some monumentally stupid dill weed named Thaddeus McCotter from Michigan actually said something quite like this. He also called the package a “bag of dung.”)

–*Without the bill, many poor people are going to have a hard time getting student loans and mortgages. Republicans seem to believe only in the concept that wealth trickles down, and don’t care about that other famous one about shit rolling downhill.

–*Not to change the subject, but Barack Obama did you say you were going to attack Pakistan? Are you fucking nuts?

–*A Great Depression is just what we need to help us get our priorities straight.

–*Nobody was that enthusiastic about the bill since there would be no after-party thrown by AIG.

–*… and no after-party thrown by Lehman Brothers.

–*You know, if a bunch of hippies were sitting around an ROTC building on fire saying “Let it burn,” they would be branded criminals. And yet, when a bunch of Republicans are doing the same thing with the economy because of their extremist belief about free markets, they somehow consider themselves patriots. Congratulations, fuckheads. You’re now in bed with Ralph Nader.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, September 30, 2008 )

Stephanie and I shot Episode 9 of “The Retributioners” this weekend with three incredibly talented actresses, whose work I’d like to showcase here over the next couple of days.

One of them is Marni Penning, an actress and comedienne who is generating some comedy heat lately on YouTube with her awesome Sarah Palin send-up videos. Check out the latest:

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(Originally posted Monday, September 29, 2008 )

What stupid ordinances and rules are in our city’s code and legal charters?

–*Everyone in Merrymont, S.D. can carry a sawed off shotgun on the liturgical calendar day known as Maundy Thursday.

–*Yonkers, N.Y. offers diplomatic immunity for people who drive recklessly or commit a crime of passion against a faithless hot blooded swarthy wife of Mediterranean extraction in a knife-wielding jealous rage.

–*In Slattern, Michigan, donkeys cannot use shampoo.

–*In Sacerdotal, Utah, you can return all grapes with seeds.

–*And you can also return all grapes of wrath.

–*In Sandy Shale, Montana, any employee of the United Parcel Service may take a dump in your furnace.

–*In New York City, any truck over 15 feet may not drive through a tunnel with clearance of 12 feet. This is also an observation of the laws of physics.

–*In Teaneck, N.J., it is legal to drive the wrong way down a one way street as long as you can prove you are doing so to get home and procreate with your legal wife.

–*In Belleville, Nebraska, you cannot form an interrogative statement, i.e. use a question mark, in the presence of a known lap dancer before noon on Sunday.

–*In Carbondale, Alabama, it is illegal to dress as a member of the clergy unless it is really, really heightening your sexual fantasy.

–*In Matternly, Oklahoma, gays cannot marry but horses can.

–*In Hatteras Beach, Georgia, if you bought your car in a leap year on February 29, it will never exist in the eyes of the law and you don’t owe insurance, licensing fees or inspection tax on it.

–*In Flagstaff, a car with one flat tire is officially a derelict vehicle and can be towed. But a woman standing helpless by the road with a flat tire is officially sexy.

–*In Mavensbrook, Illinois, you cannot whisper in somebody’s ear if he is a known pickle fetishist.

–*In San Gimingano, California, a man cannot use caller ID without filing registration as a known “passive-aggressive.”

–*In Battery City, Maryland, it is legal to bite somebody to death as long as you can prove they were trying to do the same to you.

–*In Carlsbad, Colorado, you may not kill any whales unless you have addressed them and they do not answer back, which means it is likely in self defense.

–*In Texas, it is illegal to perform female circumcision unless you already come from a home country where the practice is enthusiastically adopted by millions.

–*In Brooklyn, you can’t call somebody a mook.

–*In Port Jefferson, accepting stolen goods is a crime unless your mother stole it for you to make you look less dumpy so maybe you could get a husband.

–*In Washington, D.C., it is illegal to loan your bullwhip to a known felon or pretend to be an infant for tax purposes.

–*In Hampstead, R.I. all tags should be ripped off mattresses immediately

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