Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Wednesday, October 01, 2008 )

Why did the bi-partisan economic emergency bailout plan crafted by the president and Congressional leaders fail to pass the House of Representatives on Monday?

–*House Republicans were enraged about a plan that would help bail out rich people and said they would not be satisfied until tax cuts were added that would help bail out rich people.

–*Alaska’s representatives wouldn’t sign it unless they got an earmark for a glorious new “Bridge To Somewhere.”

–*John McCain led a fifth column effort against the plan, wanting so much to show that he is not like George Bush that he would even drive the economy into a Malthusian state of abject poverty and cannibalism to do so.

–*Everybody was about to vote yes on the bill when Congress was suddenly overrun by a phalanx of wild hogs.

–*Republican congressmen believe nobody should ever interfere with the free market, or even say, step forward with a fire hose if the whole free market were being consumed in a conflagration of smashing marble columns and broken glass.

–*One Congressman said the bailout would put us on the path to socialism. “If you lose your ability to fail, soon you will lose your ability to succeed,” he said. He then went home and set all of his young children free.

–*Conservatives want to make sure we learn the lesson that every action has a consequence. Even though, whether the bill passes or not, many of the biggest Wall Street executives responsible for this mess are going off with golden handshake deals, retiring to their Roman style pools to spend their free time getting hand jobs from Swedish milkmaids until they die with smiles so big you can’t pry them off their faces.

–*Bailing out Wall Street firms, said one Republican, is exactly what the Bolsheviks would have done. (I wish I was kidding on this one, but some monumentally stupid dill weed named Thaddeus McCotter from Michigan actually said something quite like this. He also called the package a “bag of dung.”)

–*Without the bill, many poor people are going to have a hard time getting student loans and mortgages. Republicans seem to believe only in the concept that wealth trickles down, and don’t care about that other famous one about shit rolling downhill.

–*Not to change the subject, but Barack Obama did you say you were going to attack Pakistan? Are you fucking nuts?

–*A Great Depression is just what we need to help us get our priorities straight.

–*Nobody was that enthusiastic about the bill since there would be no after-party thrown by AIG.

–*… and no after-party thrown by Lehman Brothers.

–*You know, if a bunch of hippies were sitting around an ROTC building on fire saying “Let it burn,” they would be branded criminals. And yet, when a bunch of Republicans are doing the same thing with the economy because of their extremist belief about free markets, they somehow consider themselves patriots. Congratulations, fuckheads. You’re now in bed with Ralph Nader.