Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Monday, September 29, 2008 )

What stupid ordinances and rules are in our city’s code and legal charters?

–*Everyone in Merrymont, S.D. can carry a sawed off shotgun on the liturgical calendar day known as Maundy Thursday.

–*Yonkers, N.Y. offers diplomatic immunity for people who drive recklessly or commit a crime of passion against a faithless hot blooded swarthy wife of Mediterranean extraction in a knife-wielding jealous rage.

–*In Slattern, Michigan, donkeys cannot use shampoo.

–*In Sacerdotal, Utah, you can return all grapes with seeds.

–*And you can also return all grapes of wrath.

–*In Sandy Shale, Montana, any employee of the United Parcel Service may take a dump in your furnace.

–*In New York City, any truck over 15 feet may not drive through a tunnel with clearance of 12 feet. This is also an observation of the laws of physics.

–*In Teaneck, N.J., it is legal to drive the wrong way down a one way street as long as you can prove you are doing so to get home and procreate with your legal wife.

–*In Belleville, Nebraska, you cannot form an interrogative statement, i.e. use a question mark, in the presence of a known lap dancer before noon on Sunday.

–*In Carbondale, Alabama, it is illegal to dress as a member of the clergy unless it is really, really heightening your sexual fantasy.

–*In Matternly, Oklahoma, gays cannot marry but horses can.

–*In Hatteras Beach, Georgia, if you bought your car in a leap year on February 29, it will never exist in the eyes of the law and you don’t owe insurance, licensing fees or inspection tax on it.

–*In Flagstaff, a car with one flat tire is officially a derelict vehicle and can be towed. But a woman standing helpless by the road with a flat tire is officially sexy.

–*In Mavensbrook, Illinois, you cannot whisper in somebody’s ear if he is a known pickle fetishist.

–*In San Gimingano, California, a man cannot use caller ID without filing registration as a known “passive-aggressive.”

–*In Battery City, Maryland, it is legal to bite somebody to death as long as you can prove they were trying to do the same to you.

–*In Carlsbad, Colorado, you may not kill any whales unless you have addressed them and they do not answer back, which means it is likely in self defense.

–*In Texas, it is illegal to perform female circumcision unless you already come from a home country where the practice is enthusiastically adopted by millions.

–*In Brooklyn, you can’t call somebody a mook.

–*In Port Jefferson, accepting stolen goods is a crime unless your mother stole it for you to make you look less dumpy so maybe you could get a husband.

–*In Washington, D.C., it is illegal to loan your bullwhip to a known felon or pretend to be an infant for tax purposes.

–*In Hampstead, R.I. all tags should be ripped off mattresses immediately