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Ted Nugent.

Ted Nugent.

(API) The Ted Nugent Celebrity Roast kicked off at the Friars Club in New York on Thursday night, a raucous fun-filled laugh fest that featured a constellation of some of the best comedy stars around, all who’d come to rib their fellow entertainer a bit.

“We gather here to toast a man who thinks a loincloth is proper dinner attire,” said veteran jokesmith Mort Sahl. “Maybe tonight he’ll wear a tie.”

Nugent, seated in the audience, laughed heartily at the steady stream of one-liners made all in good fun at his expense.

“Ted Nugent doesn’t know the meaning of the word compromise,” said Don Rickles. “Also, he doesn’t know the meaning of the words ‘matriculate,’ ‘gustatory,’ or ‘erstwhile.’”

Nugent continued to laugh heartily, slapping his knee at Rickles’ shtick.

The gala, which started at 8, went well into the night as dozens of legendary comics took turns to jab at “The Motor City Mad Man.” Even rock ‘n’ roller Dave Grohl took a turn.

“Ted’s music is great,” said Grohl, “although not traditionally my taste. I kind of like rock music.”

“What else can you say about Ted,” said comedian and director Richard Lewis, “He didn’t know that one of his most famous songs, ‘Journey to the Center of the Mind,’ was about drugs. I’d say that not understanding the content of your own speech sums up Ted pretty well.

“But I kid, Ted knows personally that a journey to the center of the mind is best done through the eye socket with an orbitoclast and a mallet.”

“Everybody knows that ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ is Ted’s signature song,” said Norm Crosby. “But ‘We’ll Meet Again’ is the official song of Ted’s corpus callosum.”

Nugent continued to laugh, making the “I’ve got my eyes on you” sign at Crosby.

“Ted Nugent wields a big gun, a big guitar and a big crossbow,” said Shecky Greene. “So how many small penises is he trying to make up for exactly?”

Nugent doubled over with laughter until he was practically peeing himself on the floor.

“A couple of us tried once to explain the word ‘irony’ to Ted to see if he’d have a stroke,” said venerable yuk meister Jackie Mason. “Every day it seems our efforts have paid off anew.”

“Ted is a fulminous critic of black on black violence,” said Woody Allen. “He especially seems ready to bring focus on it right after an instance of white on black violence.”

“You can’t question Ted’s compassion,” said Robert Klein. “He prays for the soul of every person whose head he threatens to blow off. Ted thinks it’s OK to kill an endangered species, of course, if it’s for food, survival or because it’s wearing a hoodie in the wrong neighborhood.”

“People don’t understand when Ted tells everybody, including the president, that they can suck on his gun, it’s a double entendre. I can imagine that Ted explaining double entendre to the Secret Service was a pretty heady discussion.”

“But let’s be fair,” said comic legend Jerry Seinfeld, “Ted mostly doesn’t have the time for meaningless stuff like double entendre, metaphor, rhetoric, simile, dramatic irony, subject-verb agreement, ‘and’ or ‘the,’ or the participial phrases.”

Comedian Gilbert Gottfried said, “Most rock stars have had their minds addled by drugs. Since Ted doesn’t do drugs, we have to ask him, ‘What’s your excuse?'”

Nugent was rolling on the floor laughing by the time he had his own chance to get back at his tormentors.

“Thanks for toasting me,” said Nugent. “I got a joke. Stevie Wonder is brain dead. Eighty million gun owners didn’t kill anyone last night. Trayvon Martin was a dope smoker. Everybody can suck on my gun.  California, New York, New Jersey and Massachusetts have lost their souls. Fabulous rockin’ NRA orgy last night. God bless you St. Louis. Godspeed REO and Styx. Piers Morgan is bullshit. The truth hurts you subhuman racists. Go to hell. Win a ThermaCell killer bug zapper!”

See this clarification about the preceding story.

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Ted Nugent.

Ted Nugent.

At a time of great fear in America when the nation seems in many ways to be grappling with profound questions about its identity and values, one question has repeatedly haunted the discourse: “Is rocker Ted Nugent going to kill me?”

This is a tough question, one especially hard to discuss with children, as Ted Nugent’s great passion about things related to weaponry, archery and dead animals has made them wonder if they might themselves ever be at the receiving end of Nugent’s wrathful judgment of all things not him.

“It’s a slippery slope question,” says Tennessee State University criminologist Ben Harper. “We know that Ted Nugent is a powerful advocate for guns. A really loud, forceful, inflammatory advocate for guns. But we just have no proof he is going to kill us.”

Nugent, who was known for wild 1970s hits like “Cat Scratch Fever,” a mildly frightening song by today’s standards, has upped the fear factor manyfold with a pure gun rights stance. He has stayed true to his conviction after many, many, many, many national gun tragedies, which some pundits might applaud as a true example of principle were it not for the fact that Ted Nugent seems to want to kill us.

“The gun imagery. The dead deer. The seeming indifference to suffering …” notes criminologist Kay Stephens. “I mean, Ted is too functional to be called mentally deranged. But I think we have to thank God or providence that he really stops just short of the DSM manual.”

“Three hundred million American guns were not misused again this week,” Nugent boldly proclaimed on his Twitter page shortly after a national tragedy involving lots of innocent gun victims, the stance of an empathy-lacking person who some psychologists might say really wants to kill us.

“The thing is, Ted’s a libertarian,” says Fox News pundit Bill Richardson. “We have to remember that his ideology, like those of other libertarians, lives entirely in pure abstraction. So it’s wrong to say that Ted might have homicidal ideation and might want to kill us. We just have to assume that his world of pure principles devoid of real life ramifications will remain so, barring the mutilating of animals, and thus would not otherwise somehow turn into direct action that ends our lives.”

Richardson concedes, however, that Nugent’s inability to synthesize other perspectives, along with all his gun pictures “makes me wet the bed sometimes.”

This is all just silly talk says Nugent friend Arthur Bronstein. “Ted is passionate about the individual and the idea that power truly resides in the people in the form of gun ownership as an underpinning of our freedom in nature. Obviously, as Ted has demonstrated over and over to those who don’t understand, man must have the ability to fight back against that nature, which can be cruel, violent, animalistic, chaotic, sadistic, inhumane, nihilistic …

“Anarchistic, bloody, hebephrenic, echolalic, grinding, perverted, angry, lacerating …”

“Apocalyptic, terrifying, diseased and filled with zombie-men covered in festering buboes. Also, he thinks we should lower marginal tax rates.”

Child psychologists, noting his propensity for illegal hunting and killing endangered species, have kept open hotlines for parents wondering what to tell their children about whether Ted Nugent might kill them.

“We have to stress that Ted Nugent is just stating his opinions, forcefully,” says psychologist Blaine Thompkins. “Just because he brandishes weapons all the time in a very Phil Spectorish way, seems to enjoy the thought of what he would do to criminals that exist only in his imagination, and finally, seems greatly to enjoy ending the lives of elk does not mean in any way that he would ever harm others. Just because he often promotes the idea that some groups are superior to others does not mean he would take their lives. Just because he can threaten the president with oral gun rape and not be punished doesn’t mean murder of other humans is the end game. The chances are very small. I mean, statistically it’s just not likely. I mean, he would have done it by now, right?”

Nugent’s friends and acquaintances agree: He does not compromise.

“That makes him a hero to many people,” says Denver gun store owner Dave Stevens, who sells Gold Tip Ted Nugent arrows for hunting. “A man who doesn’t compromise will always stand up for his principles. He will not be diluted. He will not hear the other side or seem to be able to emotionally process what other people need or want from him. He will not feedback other people’s affect or be able to read their body language to make any kind of judgment about whether they are, say, hemorrhaging. If they hurt or are bleeding from the eyes and mouth, he will not be distracted by that. One word: Hero.”

When Stevens heard Nugent was coming, he dived under a counter.

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