(Originally posted Saturday, October 20, 2007)
2 CBS
Another show about a hot babe who talks to your dead grandmother.
4 NBC
Dancing Circles Around A Half-Dead Celebrity
4 NBC
Screw “Friday Night Lights.” Have you ever noticed that you can’t help but choke up when you hear the theme to “Brian’s Song”?
5 ABC
You Work It, Sister! (Two hours of chick shows.)
7 Fox
A new reality show about making it in the independent movie business: “So, You Want To Be The Next Assistant Covered In Harvey Weinstein’s Spit?”
12 A&E
CSI: Mississippi. This week, the team must wait 12 days for a microscope to come in the mail via Fed Ex.
15 Animal Planet
It’s Me Or The Throat-Eating Pit Bull
17 History
Puritans Doin’ It
18 HBO
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Spanish Fly
19 Soap Net
Half the characters of “All My Children” are involved in a horrible car pileup and become mentally retarded, and the other half become autistic. They all spend the year talking in a fat-tongued Neanderthal-speak.
20 E! Entertainment Television
The 10 Biggest Celebrity Genocidal Ooops
21 Logo
The gayest show we could find about the stock and bond markets.
22 Sci-Fi
Something green breaking out of a guy’s stomach while you’re eating dinner.
23 TV Land
It’s Like Reliving An Entire Youth Wasted Watching TV All Over Again
29 Cinemax
Oh! oh! oh! Yes, yes, yes! Oh, oh, oh! Unh, unh, unh!
33 Food Network
Audience cheers as Emeril adds Prozac to a veloute sauce to “make it happy.”
35 VS.
Base jumping with a horse-toothed Danish idiot.
38 HGTV
If These Walls Could Bleed: Redecorating on bad acid.
39 Fox News
Locked In Our Insular World, Speaking Increasingly Weird Ideas To Each Other Like a Cult of Inbreeds
40 Lifetime
Recurring, Unstoppable, Unyielding Reba
50 Disney
Everything you do for the next year as a parent will revolve around “Hannah Montana”
51 CMT
I Want To Get Pregnant Like a High School Cheerleader Again
52 Sundance Channel
Icons: Marilyn Manson and George Wendt
Beauty is Imperfection 