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Posts Tagged ‘Barack Obama’

Washington, D.C. (API) As President Barack Obama gears up to deliver an address aimed directly at the nation’s schoolchildren on Tuesday, critics are already blasting away at the idea, which they say might have the unintended adverse effect of encouraging more black children to run for president.

“This speech to children is just a travesty,” said commentator Glenn Beck. “I can’t believe he would try to talk directly to our children. Barack Obama is a racist.”

Many opponents of the speech, including the chairman of the Republican Party of Florida, Jim Greer, said that Obama’s speech was meant to “indoctrinate” students, clearly meaning that young black children might take the wrong example by having a black president speak to them from such a large and impressive pulpit. One of the most powerful positions in the world. One of such considerable prestige, influence and responsibility that it stirs great tremulous fear in every soul.

“I am absolutely appalled that taxpayer dollars are being used to spread President Obama’s socialist ideology,” said Greer, a thinly veiled but obvious reference to Obama’s skin color, which is black.

Many Republican leaders agreed that there could be little positive outcome from such a speech, as there had been in the past when Presidents Reagan, Bush and Clinton spoke directly to children about their liberties and responsibilities as citizens of a free nation. The innocuous text of the speech itself, which opponents forced the White House to publish on the Internet, explains very clearly that children should stay in school and be good citizens, a message that has left no doubt in the mind of detractors: Obama is a black man speaking to children.

“I am just speechless with rage,” said Mary Worthington, a shopper in Concord, New Hampshire. “The absolute appalling arrogance of this man to manipulate the media this way and try to bend pliable young minds with his ‘I am a black man talking out loud’ message–that’s just too much for me to bear.” Worthington said she was so angry she just couldn’t talk about it anymore.

Political analysts, pundits and talking heads were keeping their index fingers to the wind Monday night to gauge how much damage Obama might have done to himself by eliciting such an outpouring of rage.

“It’s too soon to say whether Obama has buried himself politically,” said Dane Zweibel, an analyst at the American Business Institute. “I know he thought he was doing a positive thing with his message. However, I don’t think he realized the unintended effects it would have on black children watching. Now, any of them think they can run for president. I think it’s important that Americans have stood up this way to show the nation’s black children once and for all exactly what they can expect if they try to express themselves in any way, shape or form.”

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What factors led to the end of our marriage and/or the end of health care reform legislation in Congress?

–*We failed to articulate our goals to each other.

–*We kept fighting over money.

–*There was a lot of mutual suspicion about what the other side wanted.

–*We turned to outsiders for help and they turned out to have their own selfish interests.

–*One side didn’t know how to think for him or herself unless Glenn Beck told him or her first.

–*…or Oprah.

–*We weren’t sure how to handle the necessary abortion issue.

–*Every time we tried to talk about things reasonably it deteriorated into shouting matches.

–*Each of us accused the other of patronizing and sabotaging the other in public.

–*There was a lot of increasingly nonsensical, paranoid and loony right-wing talk coming from one side.

–*”I don’t need another mother.”

–*”I don’t need another father.”

–*Turns out one of us was a racist.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, January 21, 2009)

Washington, D.C. (API) George W. Bush, the 43rd president of the United States, began his third term of office Wednesday after President-elect Barack Obama flubbed the oath of office he was to repeat after Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts.

“My fellow Americans,” said Bush. “I believe things happen for a reason. And while I am not sure what the reasons were for this gaffe during inauguration day, I want to assure you that order and the rule of law will win the day.”

“I swear to execute … no to faithfully execute,” said Roberts as he administered the oath. A slightly confused Obama tried to reinsert the incorrect version, and Roberts followed with another hypercorrection that legal scholars now say has made the president’s swearing in almost completely invalid.

“If he didn’t say it, he ain’t it,” said Constitutional scholar Jeffrey Rhoades. “I can’t put it more simply than that.”

Roberts visited the Oval Office late Wednesday night hoping to re-administer the oath, but by that time, Bush had already settled in for his third term.

“Through this trying time I hope to lead the American people with steadfastness and resolve and strength of character. You spoke out strongly for voice of change. And even though, sadly, that change did not come, I hope you’ll join me as we continue four more years together seeking peace, prosperity and the conquest of our enemies as they stand over seas of sweet crude oil.”

Millions of attendees at the inauguration burst into tears.

“It’s just 35 words for crying out loud,” said Bill Clinton. “How did two grown men, both of them Constitutional lawyers manage to get us all into this colossal screw up?”

“It truly is sad,” said Bush. “I’ve been needled for some bad grammatical choices in the past. But none of my gaffes endangered the country or upended the poltical order.

“I don’t mean to get all parliamentarial here.”

“It truly is a cock up of huge proportions,” said noted wit and political critic Christopher Hitchens. “And by the way, nobody around here knows what the the true meaning of irony is but me.”

Bush plans to use his next four years in office, to attack Iran, embolden Israel to attack Syria, destroy the Antarctic ice shelf with bunker buster bombs, and continue the No Child Left Behind law.

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(Originally posted Friday, January 09, 2009)

Washington, D.C. (API) As America faces increasing job losses and rising financial insecurity, President-elect Barack Obama has proposed the elimination of verbs in American speech as a belt-tightening measure.

“In an age of big American financial crisis, paper expensive. Verbs — unnecessary,” Obama said. “Predicates needless.”

The proposed measure would eliminate predicates and all words denoting actions or states of being until the American economy was well on its way to recovery.

“Americans strong,” said Obama. “Even without verbs. In the future, less verbal waste. And so more buildings, more food, more money. Hooray!”

House Democrats were fuming about the measure, which they said was proposed without their knowledge.

“No verbs? How no verbs?” asked Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Communication limited now. Too difficult, speech.”

Obama said he expects the cessation of verbs, a major component in syntax, will save the government millions of dollars in paper and also help Americans increase productivity by spending fewer minutes per person on unnecessary verbiage.

“A travesty, this,” said former Nixon administration speechwriter and self-described “language maven” William Safire. “The end of knowledge. The end of reason. Devastating. Utterly devastating.”

Americans said that they would have trouble adapting to the challenges of a verbless society, and that Obama’s proposed changes would likely have them soon stooping over and muttering in some kind of strange simian Neanderthal-speak.

“No verbs too hard,” said law professor Felix Diaz. “Language and communication difficult.”

“No verbs? Not too hard,” said Lila Montgomery, a customer greeter at Wal-Mart. “Toothpaste? Aisle 3. Videotapes? Aisle 10.”

“Speech rugged, even when no verbs,” said linguist Noam Chomsky. “Grammar universal, innate.”

Verbs are words that vary according to many factors, including tense, voice, mood and aspect. Obama was unsure whether the moratorium on speech would extend to gerunds, infinitives and supines, verbs which can sometimes act like nouns.

“Maybe yes, maybe no! A conundrum!” Then he shrugged.

“America no money,” continued Obama. “Thus, America no verbs. Not until America money again.”

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(Originally posted Sunday, January 13, 2008 )

Backhanded Compliments Given By The Presidential Candidates To Their Opponents

Barack Obama: “Speaks well and is clean and well groomed and eats with a fork.”

Hillary Clinton: “She certainly does swing a big dick.”

John Edwards: “Cares a lot about the people in the ambulances he is chasing.”

Mike Huckabee: “He’s a very good, caring, altruistic, moral Christian woman.”

Bill Richardson: “He’s undoubtedly Hispanic.”

John McCain: “He’s probably the most moderate, level-headed guy you could expect him to be for someone who was tortured in the Hanoi Hilton for several years.”

Rudy Guiliani: “He was undoubtedly the mayor of New York City on Sept. 11.”

Mitt Romney: “He is probably the hardest working, most sensible and best looking member of the Mormon Cult we have ever seen.”

Ron Paul: “His message of wanting to dismantle the government is certainly appealing to a lot of wildly passionate, iconoclastic, luddite secessionists.”

Dennis Kucinich: “It’s certainly inspiring that a poor, short socialist from Ohio can marry a tall, hot British redhead with a tongue stud.”

Fred Thompson: “A slow, shambling, macho, country lawyer type, he is one of the best character actors we have. And he plays fictional roles, too.”

Alan Keyes: “He serves a very important role in the Republican Party that I don’t think, for the sake of politeness, any one of us has to say out loud.”

Mike Gravel: “He has certainly managed to keep his name on the list of candidates.”

Duncan Hunter: “He is probably the luckiest candidate, because absolutely nobody knows who he is.”

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