Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Friday, February 27, 2009)

–* I’m sorry, but I can’t even work up the energy to be insulted.

–*Except for your thoughts, words and presence, you’re the most awesome thing I can imagine.

–*Are you the king of all jerks or just the ceremonial figurehead?

–*I don’t remember asking for a French hotel room with a douche.

–*I ought to kick your mother fucking ass.

–*You piece of shit. Screw you.

–*A ha ha ha. Mister Quippy Man Made a Quip. Blow me!

–*I drink YOUR milkshake.

–*Carpet muncher!

–*Pillow biter!

–*Touche, shit-for-brains.

–Watch your step, retard.

–*Well put, you scumbag.

–*Why don’t you go swim in a big bucket of piss!

–*Sit and spin on my middle finger, fuck face.

–*Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 25, 2009)

–*Rumor

–*Scout

–*Brisket

–*Buffalo

–*Cob Coin

–*Fidelity

–*Schism

–*Vestal

–*Snarm

–*Flibbertigibbet

–*Skype

–*Rumble Pie

–*Dink

–*Dolphin

–*Forage

–*Master Blaster

–*Sponge

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(Originally posted Monday, February 23, 2009)

What were some of the highlights of the 2009 Academy Awards?

–*Wild huskies ran through the hall and devoured a stunning silver Versace gown with silver lame and paillettes after ripping it off Oscar winner Catherine Zeta-Jones.

–*A large bow descending from the décolletage of Jessica Biel actually turned out to be a rope of cotton bed sheets for three Rikers Island prisoners escaping from her cleavage.

–*Sarah Jessica Parker described the color of her Christian Dior haute couture dress as “barely animal tranquilizer blue.”

–*”High School Musical” star Zac Efron got caught in a microphone wire during a musical number but was too afraid to stop performing and so garroted himself to death singing

–*This year during the presentations for actor awards, past winners spoke directly to the nominees, telling them what they had accomplished, describing their strengths and weaknesses, and telling them that they were now ready to be Jedis.

–*The red carpet shows noted repeatedly how clean Robert Downey Jr. was.

–*Beyonce Knowles wore a black dress with gold embroidery that depicted the invasion of Ancient Greece by Xerxes, including the rape of Athens, in its entirety.

–*Photographers yelled out to the celebrities where to stand, how to look and what to do as if they were actually soulless chimps whose lives are a joyless exercise in disaffection.

–*…and we’ve got it live with Giuliana Rancic

–*”Turn to your right Sarah Jessica … to your right Sarah Jessica … to your right Sarah Jessica

–*A four-minute montage honored the lives of all the non-famous.

–*A ten-minute montage honored movies that make money.

–*Penelope Cruz’s win proved once again that Oscar likes you better when you’re not near Tom Cruise.

–*Hugh Jackman offered a musical tribute to the death of investment bank Bear Stearns.

–*After their team scored a late in the game goal, Manchester United fans stormed the stage, broke glass and tore down panels and wainscoting.

–*Trying to outdo the other presenters, Michael Douglas saluted Oscar nominee Frank Langella by saying all the other actors in his category would be put to death if he had it his way.

–*Jennifer Aniston presented a tall, golden, statuesque man to Angelina Jolie two years ago.

–*Eva Marie Saint: Not dead.

–*Angelina Jolie sported a new tattoo across her back that stated the terms and conditions of use of Angelina Jolie.

–*Kate Winslet cried out loud, insulting the dignity of the crown and fostering the further erosion of the once-great British Empire.

–*The producers of “Slumdog Millionaire” praised their award by saying it illuminated the plight of India’s slum dwellers everywhere.

–*Sean Penn praised Mickey Rourke’s nomination saying it illuminated the plight of pugnacious drunk Irishmen everywhere.

–*A Zogby poll found that Mickey Rourke’s loss for best actor meant the show was 50% less entertaining than it could have been had he given a speech.

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(Originally posted Friday, February 20, 2009)

It’s a very small milestone, but I finally got my own page on the Internet Movie Database this week. It took a LONG time. I’m not bitter, but I’d had friends in the past–not professional actors, mind you–who had gotten into the IMDB simply by playing extras in some movie. So I was a bit miffed when they told me last year I didn’t qualify with my bevy of very entertaining shorts and my Web series.

That all changed when my film S&M Queen for a Day played the DeadCenter Film Festival in Oklahoma City last year. I have to thank my sister for nagging me to enter it.

So thank you, Lori. You win you little ninny! Happy?

Check out my page here:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3303733/

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 18, 2009)

My wife Stephanie and I have some big news about our Web series “The Retributioners.”

We’ll be joining a promotional campaign for “The Watchmen” with our partners at the company For Your Imagination, which features our show on its Axis of Comedy network.

You can read an article about it on Tubefilter.

Remember, you can watch “The Retributioners” at Axis of Comedy.TV or at our home page.

If you haven’t joined our Facebook fan page, you can ask me how!

P.S. I just want to clear up any misunderstanding from our friends who think we might be suddenly rich after reading the Tubefilter article: The six-figure deal we mentioned goes to For Your Imagination the company and the package is then split up into little bits for each production. So, thanks for the well-wishes, but Stephanie and I will NOT be able to buy a house with this money.

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(Originally posted Monday, February 16, 2009)

2 CBS
“Everybody Loves Raymond” rerun followed by the new hit show “Fourteen Kids Are Financially Dependent On Nadya”

3 NBC
Dateline: Ann Curry fails to find 14 men who would have had sex with Nadya Suleman.

5 ABC
“Nobody Loves Me, But I’ll Show Them What I Can Do With My Uterus: The Nadya Suleman Story,” an ABC Movie Event

6 Fox
Aliens Burst Out of Lisa Rinna’s Face

10 CNN
Anderson Cooper asks the day’s most important question: Should doctors give Nadya Suleman a marsupial pouch if she demands it?

13 PBS
“American Stamps” ratchets up the tension this week as two philatelic nerds have a knife fight over the fat-thin Elvis controversy

14 History Channel
Top 10 Imperialist Oops

15 Animal Planet
It would be too difficult to explain to you why a naked mole rat is interesting, so we’re pretty much just trotting out Nessie and Bigfoot again.

16 Discovery Health
“Rosemary’s Dilemma.” How you can tell if you’re carrying Satan’s baby.

17 Discovery Health
“I Didn’t Know I Was Stupid” and other things only discovered in the emergency room

18 DIY
“Yard Crashers”: This week, the Yard Crashers are putting up concertina wire, mortar and a makeshift concrete wall around your village.

19 E! Entertainment
E! News: We’ve pretty much decided that we’re going to spend all our time trying to drive Joaquin Phoenix to commit suicide if we can.

20 MTV
The Real World, Brooklyn: It seems the only people getting along here are Palestinians and Israelis.

22 MTV
Yo! MTV Diverts Water From Palestinian Refugee Camps

23 Fox News
Huckabee Unbound

24 Ovation

Black History Month continues with a look at how jazz broke down racial barriers

25 Golf
Black History Month continues with a look out how the game of golf broke down racial barriers

26 Food
Black History Month continues with a look at how pesto broke down racial barriers

27 Playboy
Black History Month continues with a look at how Larry Flynt broke down racial barriers

28 Spike TV
Black History Month continues as blacks and whites come together to laugh at the Japanese.

29 IFC
“Monster’s Ball” still doesn’t make a bit of sense, but at least there’s a lot of hot sex with Halle Berry and Heath Ledger.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 11, 2009)

Stephanie and I hoped to put up Episode 13 of “The Retributioners” this week, but we got a bit of good news on the business front that will force us to hold it for another week or so.

In the meantime, enjoy this utterly creepy video Stephanie’s friend found on YouTube:

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 11, 2009)

What more complicated emotions are we now seeing more of on greeting cards?

–*Thanks for not coming to my birthday party. Drop dead.

–*My boob isn’t a can of beer. Be more gentle in the future. And Happy Valentine’s Day.

–*I’m sorry that your horrible tragedy doesn’t make me like you any better.

–*I’m so sorry I’ve put both of us in the awkward position of having to acknowledge your loss.

–*You’re not getting any of my money.

–*I’m sorry there’s no greeting I can comfort you with since I’m a staunch nihilist.

–*On this Valentine’s Day, let’s remind each other that even though we’re in love, we both probably have vastly different ideas about what that means, and so the whole thing is likely to end horribly, but let’s give ourselves points for trying.

–*I’m suing you for assault and battery.

–*Thanks for being a good enough friend to not tell me how you really feel.

–*I know I don’t know you, but I’m new at the office and they ordered me to sign your birthday card anyway to ingratiate myself with the chief administrative assistant. But as long as we’re here, tell me: Who are you and what do you look like?

–*Congratulations on graduating and becoming exactly what your mother wanted you to be.

–*Happy birthday and I can no longer be friends with you as long as you’re seeing that guy.

–*We’re sure your cat is in heaven or in an acceptable politically correct place you would like us to wish her to be.

–*You suck, respectfully.

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(Originally posted Friday, February 06, 2009)

I don’t know if you ever saw this, but the actress who played lunatic wife Sadie in “The Retributioners Episode 7” is also semi-famous for this Perdue Chicken commercial. Check it out:

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(Originally posted Thursday, February 05, 2009)

Fort Wayne, Ind. (API) Ninety-three-year-old Fort Wayne resident Marion Loudermilk told her five children and eight grandchildren on Wednesday that she refuses to tell any of her brood where she has squirreled away her savings unless for some reason they bring TV star Andy Griffith to her beside at County Hospital.

“I love you all very much,” she said. “But I lived through the Depression and two great wars, and I know never to tell anybody where your money is. The only person you can trust is Matlock.”

The Loudermilk children have been asking their family matriarch for weeks how much she has in savings so that they can make important decisions about her well-being, particularly now that she needs 24-hour home care to feed and bathe herself.

“We found mom crawling around in a pool of sick and corn flakes,” said Loudermilk’s daughter June Tyburn. “I’ve asked mom several times if she won’t change her mind. We need to get her a home care nurse technician, and Medicaid said they won’t help unless they know how much money she has. So when I told mom that it was for her own good, she said, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll write you a five-dollar check for your birthday.'”

Griffith, star of such TV classics as “The Andy Griffith Show” and “Matlock,” shows in which he played, respectively, a small-town sheriff and an irascible but unflappably scrupulous defense attorney, was not available for comment, though his publicist did send Loudermilk a signed autograph that she kept near her hospital bed.

Loudermilk’s son Brian Stephens, from her first marriage, said that his mother was slowly losing her memory and that soon she might not even be able to remember where she was keeping her largesse, which they hoped they could use to care for her in a prudent way with irrevocable power of attorney or perhaps guardianship.

“We don’t even know much she has or in what form,” Stephens said. “It could be in an annuity. It could be in a CD. It could be in a suitcase full of cash buried in the friggin’ back yard. We don’t even know if we can pay for her to go into a nursing home or assisted living because every time we ask her where her money is, she reminds me to make sure Cox hasn’t turned off her cable. How are we supposed to keep her from living at home in her own crap?”

“I love Brian,” said Loudermilk. “He’ll never touch my money ever.”

Jeremiah Reese, an elder care attorney from Indianapolis who has been asked to represent the Loudermilk children, says it is common for older people to want to hold on to money. They often want to leave some behind to their children as their legacy on Earth, he says. Past economic cataclysms have also made it more likely that they will put their money in unorthodox places where it will not appreciate, but rather lose value.

However, Loudermilk’s insistence that Andy Griffith would be a suitable intermediary was a new wrinkle.

“I’ve got to say, if Andy Griffith did decide to come to our town and intercede on the Loudermilk children’s behalf, I’d be willing to cut a deal with him. Marion’s almost completely demented at this point.”

“Sheriff Andy always seemed like a reasonable guy,” said Loudermilk’s granddaughter Laura Loudermilk. “Hey, I’m open to anything at this point. It’s almost like God was speaking to grandma through the television whenever Matlock comes on. I don’t know how else we’re going to pull the money out of her decrepit, clenched fist, frankly.”

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