Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Monday, February 23, 2009)

What were some of the highlights of the 2009 Academy Awards?

–*Wild huskies ran through the hall and devoured a stunning silver Versace gown with silver lame and paillettes after ripping it off Oscar winner Catherine Zeta-Jones.

–*A large bow descending from the décolletage of Jessica Biel actually turned out to be a rope of cotton bed sheets for three Rikers Island prisoners escaping from her cleavage.

–*Sarah Jessica Parker described the color of her Christian Dior haute couture dress as “barely animal tranquilizer blue.”

–*”High School Musical” star Zac Efron got caught in a microphone wire during a musical number but was too afraid to stop performing and so garroted himself to death singing

–*This year during the presentations for actor awards, past winners spoke directly to the nominees, telling them what they had accomplished, describing their strengths and weaknesses, and telling them that they were now ready to be Jedis.

–*The red carpet shows noted repeatedly how clean Robert Downey Jr. was.

–*Beyonce Knowles wore a black dress with gold embroidery that depicted the invasion of Ancient Greece by Xerxes, including the rape of Athens, in its entirety.

–*Photographers yelled out to the celebrities where to stand, how to look and what to do as if they were actually soulless chimps whose lives are a joyless exercise in disaffection.

–*…and we’ve got it live with Giuliana Rancic

–*”Turn to your right Sarah Jessica … to your right Sarah Jessica … to your right Sarah Jessica

–*A four-minute montage honored the lives of all the non-famous.

–*A ten-minute montage honored movies that make money.

–*Penelope Cruz’s win proved once again that Oscar likes you better when you’re not near Tom Cruise.

–*Hugh Jackman offered a musical tribute to the death of investment bank Bear Stearns.

–*After their team scored a late in the game goal, Manchester United fans stormed the stage, broke glass and tore down panels and wainscoting.

–*Trying to outdo the other presenters, Michael Douglas saluted Oscar nominee Frank Langella by saying all the other actors in his category would be put to death if he had it his way.

–*Jennifer Aniston presented a tall, golden, statuesque man to Angelina Jolie two years ago.

–*Eva Marie Saint: Not dead.

–*Angelina Jolie sported a new tattoo across her back that stated the terms and conditions of use of Angelina Jolie.

–*Kate Winslet cried out loud, insulting the dignity of the crown and fostering the further erosion of the once-great British Empire.

–*The producers of “Slumdog Millionaire” praised their award by saying it illuminated the plight of India’s slum dwellers everywhere.

–*Sean Penn praised Mickey Rourke’s nomination saying it illuminated the plight of pugnacious drunk Irishmen everywhere.

–*A Zogby poll found that Mickey Rourke’s loss for best actor meant the show was 50% less entertaining than it could have been had he given a speech.