Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Fake news’ Category

The Courtney Love Roast We’d Like To See

Posted in Fake news, Satire, tagged , , on January 16, 2014| Leave a Comment »

(API) Comedy’s old guard came out this month to give a lighthearted poke at punk rocker Courtney Love. Some 200 people attended the event to roast the Hole front woman and widow of venerated grunge rock icon Kurt Cobain, with jokes that left her laughing in the aisles, rolling on the floor and generally gasping for air.

Adam Carolla started the night by calling Love “the first sexually active kindergartener.”

“I tell young girls all the time to be more like Courtney: If you marry the right rich man, you don’t have to explain shit.”

Comedian John Byner said that Love was a true role model to her daughter, Frances Bean Cobain. “It’s not every mother and daughter who can exchange restraining orders for Christmas. But I kid. Everybody knows that Courtney gave Frances a good value system, and that was to tell her, ‘Money can’t change the person you are on the inside, especially if you’re already awful.”

Robin Williams said that Love has been hailed as a post-feminist icon, but added, “I think by ‘post-feminist,’ they meant there was something leaking from her anus.” Williams also mentioned that Love had over the years let go of several members of her band Hole. “As we know from biology,” said Williams, “when a Hole gets smaller, it’s actually a sphincter.”

David Brenner said that Love exemplified what rock ‘n’ roll was really all about: “Publishing rights.” He added that Love was very astute about her public exposure: “When you’ve flashed your breasts 80 times, it’s sexy. But that 81st time really let’s everybody know you are about to declare bankruptcy.”

“I like to keep up with Courtney on Twitter,” said Brenner. “Think of it as a great safe harbor for libel …  if you’re really, really stupid.”

“Also, I should stress that Courtney is no ‘twit.’ That would really be getting a vowel wrong.”

Daniel Tosh made a little dig at Love’s alleged involvement in her husband’s death.

“Why would anybody say Courtney killed her husband?” he asked. “Why would anybody make up stuff about a woman who’s already guilty for so many things?” He also said that obviously Cobain killed himself because it was the only way to get Love to stop talking to him. (“At least to Kurt. … Let’s face it, if life is a disease, Courtney’s got the talking cure.”)

Love could barely contain her laughter at all the playful barbs made at her expense. When she finally got up on the podium to exact her revenge, she mainly talked about how every man in the room was a lousy lay, something she had seemingly learned firsthand.

Her daughter Frances came up to speak last, and painted a rousing final portrait of her mother:

“What are we all laughing about? This woman needs help. For God’s sake, won’t somebody do something?”

(This story is fake news.)

Read Full Post »

Madoff Says His Only Goal Was To Make People Happy

Posted in Business, Business and the Economy, Fake news, Satire, tagged , , , , on March 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Monday, January 05, 2009)

Bernard Madoff Confesses That Ponzi Scheme Was Motivated By Need To Make People Happy

New York (AP) Disgraced money manager Bernard Madoff admitted this week that his sole motivation in setting up a giant Ponzi scheme, one that defrauded investors of $50 billion, was just to make people happy.

“I love to see people smile, and nothing does so more than guaranteed 10% annual returns,” Madoff confessed. “Oh sure, it looks like a mistake now, but you should have been here when Gladys McKetchum of Woodmere, N.Y. got her first statement in 1999 and realized she could retire in style. Her smile was like riding a rainbow. I thought: making people gush with joy is why we got into this business in the first place, isn’t it?'”

Madoff is accused of setting up a giant scheme to defraud investors by paying off the returns of old clients with new investors’ proceeds. A bank call on his fund, however, eventually caused his scheme to unravel and he had to admit to federal investigators that most of the money was simply gone.

“At first, I was doing it just because I wasn’t sure what to invest in,” said Madoff. “Then after a while, I just liked the feeling I got when I told some widow or some endowment or some charity that’s trying to cure AIDS that their investment had hit the boffo 10% annual return yet again for another year. It’s like you are spreading sunshine and giving people hope. I’ve got to tell you, giving gives you such a good feeling, that whatever it is, they ought to bottle it.”

“I hope hell hounds spend eternity eating his bowels,” said Grace Trombley who lost her life savings with Madoff. “Now I’m working at 7-11 in the 11-7 a.m. slot cleaning toilets. I hope his face is eaten by a demoness whose lower extremities are made out of screeching dogs.”

Madoff said that he’s enjoyed making people happy for as far back as he can remember. Among other things, he likes to flatter and tell stories and regale people in his lush houses.

“I like to use what I call the think system,” he said. “I’ve always believed that if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.”

“I remember a time when we used to cover people like him with molten black pitch that would disfigure him and rip off flesh and hair,” said Leslie Williams, a 90-year-old pensioner from south Florida. “I don’t see why we should treat him any better today.”

As a crowd of seething investors ripped off by Madoff gathered to protest in December, his wife Ruth came forward.

“Shame on you people!” she said. “Don’t you remember what this town was like before Bernard Madoff came? Do you? And after he came. Suddenly there were things to do and people to see and people to go out of your way for.”

Madoff said that what he wants most to be remembered for is letting people know that there is something more important than money in this life.

“It’s about dreams, this business,” he said as he faced years and years in prison. “It’s not just about 10% guaranteed annual returns, because let’s face it–there’s no such thing. Instead, it’s about people being able to dream. To believe in things and have high hopes. It’s about the kid with a quarter in his pocket who wants to open a bubble gum factory. It’s about the man who wants to retire to Florida and buy a boat and spend his days fishing. It’s about the man who wants a better life for his immigrant family. That’s what I most hope I gave briefly to all of these people I so ably defrauded.”

FBI agent Laura Gunderson had a tear in her eye as Madoff read his statement.

“We all have to hold onto our dreams,” she said. “I think that’s the idea Bernie Madoff has given me more than anything else. But if you’ll excuse me, I have to take this sad sorry fucker to jail now.”

Read Full Post »