Archive for January 11th, 2011

Newly minted celebrity Ted Williams, the homeless drug addict with the mellifluous radio voice who was found on an off-ramp last week giving highly polished traffic updates, has in just one week left the streets of Ohio to reach the pinnacle of stardom. Entertainment Tonight has even brought him on a tour of Hollywood and given him an audience with Doctor Phil. He’s visited the Los Angeles Lakers. He’s won a Kraft commercial. His story has already taken on the dimensions of an epic with all its attendant plot points of fall from grace and redemption. He also happens to share a name with a famous baseball player, a fact that was unearthed by diligent researchers at CBS.

This leads me to the next question. With his new tight schedule, how are we going to keep Ted Williams awake? I’m just saying, he might really benefit from the use of some killer drugs, perhaps some mini-bennies or white crosses or what have you.

Then we have to ask, what is Ted going to do when this media attention suddenly fades, and the esteem he’s getting artificially from Entertainment Tonight reporters needs instead to be generated from within? My prescription? Drugs! Heroin or cocaine are very different kinds of substances, but both will offer Ted the self-esteem he will most definitely need in spades once the 2000 watt stage lights have turned away and Mary Hart has completely lost interest in his golden voice.

What happens when Doctor Phil has finished Ted’s psychological evaluation and Ted finds he cannot face the pain he’s caused so many? How about a big flagon full of soul killing alcohol? Or china white. Or ‘shrooms? Whippets or liquid paper?

Also, drugs are very good for withdrawal. So I recommend Ted Williams have some on hand when he has euphoric chemical memory that makes him junk sick, especially when the feelings of worthlessness come back midwifed by Doctor Phil.

Williams prayed on the Today show. At some point, when he realizes that this practice is largely unhelpful, it’s very likely he’s going to want to turn to something with a little more bite. Like valium or downers or acid.

I guess the point I’m making is that there are lots of things that would make you feel more suicidal then a life of drugs–and that’s life as an ex-celebrity. Ted Williams has suddenly found himself surrounded by non-friends, and rather than giving him a blast of black tar heroin to the arm, they’ve given him a shot of the more vexing junk called fame. With friends like Doctor Phil, who needs a Doctor Philgood?

I look forward to the next YouTube video in which Ted, live from the I-95 off ramp in Miami, says “Fuck you, America. If you loved me, you’d give me some smack!”

By the way, CBS, the plural of “Williams” is “Williamses.” What are you, on drugs?

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