Beauty is Imperfection

What are we really doing that we don’t put on Twitter?

–*Henry just ate peanut butter. I was too lazy to make an egg.

–*Marcia got up late. Was dreaming of doing the dishes.

–*Joel’s got a bit of a chub. Don’t know why. It’s 9:30 in the morning.

–*William went to work but mostly goofed around watching Internet porn.

–*Harry just got roped into doing one of those things to see who’s searching for me on the Internet. Didn’t work. Feel stupid now.

–*Dean grabbed wife’s boob. She kept reading newspaper.

–*Faye heard a friend start to talk about the stimulus package. I walked away before he and this other guy realized I didn’t know anything about it.

–*Kathy signed a birthday card for somebody I don’t know. Said, “Congratulations.” Feel like a big phony.

–*john killed a bug.

–*Janet just took the most amazing dump.

–*Peter yelled at the Verizon woman until she took a charge off. Feel like a winner.

–*Somebody at work corrected my pronunciation of the word “Montpelier.” I’d like to reach up into his asshole and pull his tongue out backwards.

–*Trying to smile my way through a conversation about the weather with my neighbor. Pinhead.

–*Beatrix got stoned in the park with my friends listening to the symphony. Crushed glasses.

–*Jake is just repeating the same left-wing stuff my dad says. Feel kind of lost without it.

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What apocryphal stories about the current health care reform bills in Congress are being floated by opponents in the insurance industry?

–*The current bill will cause nine months of waiting to see your GP

–*It will make all private health insurance illegal.

–*Doctors will be paid from a single payer plan with a fixed fee that will discourage financial incentives for physicians–when in fact, a capitalist system that commoditizes their services and pushes their fees down naturally through market mechanisms is a much more American way for them to go down the toilet.

–*The bill will force seniors to eat each other in a horrible Malthusian game of survival of the fittest.

–*The regional quality of care will shift so that meth labs, which once only exploded in Oklahoma, will now explode everywhere.

–*You will no longer be able to afford stirrups but will have to put your ankles on the OB-GYN’s shoulders.

–*It will give everybody AIDS.

–*Poor people have scabs.

–*The bill has already killed 50,000 people without even being enrolled.

–*The Hindenburg has just crashed! Oh the humanity!

–*The health care bill will make hillbillies play banjo and fuck each other up the ass.

–*It means the French have finally won.

–*Universal health care is only something Japs would do.

–*If this bill passes, I, the executive of a big insurance company, will no longer be made love to by my wife or my favorite whore.

–*If the word “bailout,” “socialism” “jihad” and “cow rape” scare you, well then you should realize that all of those words appear in the health care bill.

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