(Originally posted Monday, May 26, 2008 )
2 CBS
Sitcom: At the sound of the dulcet piano tones, the mediocrity will begin
2 ABC
Kelsey Grammer remains on celebrity welfare
4 NBC
American Gladiators: Female business consultant gets repeatedly kicked in the face as people without advanced degrees cheer on.
5 Fox
A big sucking vacuum where American Idol used to be
6 Bravo
A new fashion show: “Does This Really Look Good, Or Are You Trying To Turn Me Into A Little Bitch Boy?”
10 CNN
Larry King will meet the American Idol finalists and learn all about American Idol, whatever that may be.
12 CMT
Thus Spake Foxworthy
21 E! Entertainment Television
Denise Richards: It’s All Pretty Obvious
23 ESPN
Boxing: Middle Weights Race To Brain Damage
24 National Geographic
Mt. Everest Climbers Will Take Your Stunningly Bad Odds
25 A&E
A repackaged version of a bad 40-year-old novel by hack Michael Crichton that is sure to expunge the memory of the unreadable book
26 Comedy Central
Libertarians Telling Fart Jokes
27 Cinemax
Tyler Perry finally creates the remake of the Japanese pornographic castration classic In The Realm of the Senses that we’ve all been waiting for
28 Discovery Channel
Meet the Caribbean Indians who become paralyzed from the neck down so that you can eat at Red Lobster
29 History Channel
Would it be too much to ask for, like, one show on the Gothic migrations or something like that? Or do I have to sit through more nonsense like “Monster Quest,” a cryptozoology show that would be much better fare for a cable access show watched by guys with five foot bongs?
30 HBO
A movie in which we point the camera at Seth Rogan and hope that he’s funny.
31 HBO2
A movie in which we relive the 2000 Florida recount and hope that it’s funny
32 Showtime
With Anne Boleyn gone, “The Tudors” moves at a snail’s pace during its third season and we are treated to much grousing by Henry VIII about his leg ulcers.
33 Lifetime
“Sex and the Single Mom”: The arrival of Grant Show induces labor in pregnant single woman
42 Cinemax
Prehensile Attractions
43 Disney
Hannah Montana feeds your family, bitch. So why don’t you go get Hannah Montana a Diet Coke before Hannah Montana ends you.
Beauty is Imperfection 