Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Wednesday, October 17, 2007)

In a heartfelt scene, Ellen DeGeneres broke down in tears on her talk show yesterday after an animal rescue group removed an adopted dog from her hairdresser’s home, claiming Ellen had improperly given the dog to the family.

Here is a list of things this is not as important as:

10. Reports of continued, unauthorized retrieval of the private phone records of U.S. citizens by the Bush Administration from Verizon without warrants, which would set a legal precedent for such spying in the future, making it easier to do and harder to prosecute.

9. The continuing war in Iraq.

8. The continued manipulation of monetary policy by the Federal Reserve mainly to bail out rich people who make bad investments

7. Climate change that has finally given us the Northwest Passage sought by Lewis and Clark, though it will likely come at the expense of the north and south poles, polar bears, fall and spring “seasons,” and the island of Manhattan.

6. The raping and pillaging Janjaweed in the Sudan

5. The genocide of the Armenians by the Ottoman Empire.

4. Increasing cases of staph infection

3. Iranian nuclear weapons

2. American nuclear weapons

1. And now that I think of it, this story is less important than any story out there in which a dog might have actually died. I mean, the dog’s not even fucking dead! What the hell, man? I thought Anne Heche was the crazy one in that relationship.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, October 16, 2007)

Dear Leticia,

The fall burns red in its autumn fugue colors, and yet you still haven’t written to me. But I don’t despair; I have several new writing assignments, and a dewy eyed optimism has borne me up in its sylph-like slender arms. I have been told to write a feature at the sump magazine about the dismal state of America’s pipes, especially those in our Lady Gotham. The original rough text given to me for this article by the hucksters and public relations people who call themselves scientists says that these pipes they want to install are the latest, most technologically advanced type of slip-sock boring technology. But I’m too much the poet to reiterate this in such crass, vulgar scientific terms. Instead, I intend to write it in my own supple, filigreed way, and thus have begun it: “Today in New York, great men are laying great, erect pipes into the gentle furrow of this, our sighing wench of a city, and as they sob their fluids into her, let our lady be better for it.” The editors were not happy with that one, I can tell you pointedly, Leticia, but I like to think that you are somewhere right now noshing a tender croissant in your pretty rouged mouth and having a small titter over it.

Yes, you were right in that letter you wrote me ten years ago to detect the note of sardonic sour cream in my observation of the jazz poetry we heard on the wharves of Monaco. Yes, I am of open mind. But I always try to regard such work with a bit of postmodern dismissive-ness, if only because it enhances my enjoyment of the form. If it gives you any perspective, this is the same attitude with which I approach agitprop theater, miniature golf and sex.

The last you heard from me, I was probably going on and on about my long-ago love for Mavis. Yes, as we all know, it turned out to be a grave mistake, yet once upon a time, however foolish it may sound, I did think of her as the great love of my life. I remember how we’d fight over Nietzsche and I would make her cry, and then we’d go back to her house and I would intensely roger her before we’d go hear Camille Paglia speak at the university center. Ah, the feelings of pain and the loss were intense and had their own taste and shape and smell. Good god, I’ve made myself hungry.

How is it that you and I were not ever lovers ourselves, Leticia? Only friends in the great platonic way men and women of the late Romantic period were? Oh yes, people wondered about us, and sometimes even wondered if, given our abstemiousness, I were a flaming homosexual. For convenience’ sake, I let them think so. We laughed over that too, at least I did until I realized later that your beautiful flatmate Yssa was only kissing me ironically. Meanwhile, you would spend weekends with your boyfriend Brutus at his dacha and do God only knows what in his sweaty arms. I would like to think that our long talks about quantum physics and Wittgenstein only made your sex life with another man that much richer.

But for two such as you and me to be romantic…that was beneath us. Because you and I, we negated our physical instincts. Better yet, as Marx would say, we sublated them until they became something more profound, of a more intense truth. For us it was not sex: It was all watching punk music and the speaking of French poorly and buying dime bags from a guy named Jo-Jo on St. Mark’s in the cold. I think of Jo-Jo often whenever I delude myself that I am being an outlaw. Mostly when I throw away parking tickets. That fucking man, Giuliani.

Think of me often, Leticia, and when you are down, try to recall what we used to say to the kids in the soup kitchens: “Every time you vote for a Republican, children, an angel gets syphilis.”

The country will give us no peace,
Salo

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(Originally posted Monday, October 15, 2007)

Dear Leticia,

You’ve been a frightfully horrible Valkyrie this week, this month, this decade; leaving me subjected to spells of paranoia about the nature of our continued friendship. I feel winter approaching, a hoary ache in my molars, an atavistic feeling that someone’s old age is approaching, maybe even mine… though nobody can ever really be sure whose old age they are feeling. Maybe that of some unlucky paraplegic from the Spanish Civil War, or mayhap of some old London pensioner, or of some American poet with British pretentions, if you dare to live in your imagination.

But when I share these thoughts with you, you are the one who always has the upper hand because you are the silent critic, and your diffidence gives you the facade of strength undeserved, like it does all beautiful women, Leticia, especially the ugly ones. I’ve written to you many times and shared with you silly poems I wrote about love when I was 14, to which you, in your reticent silence, said, “Oh, Brav-!” Brav? Was that supposed to mean “Bravo?” You did not even grant me the dignity of my second vowel, you c—! I have lived in New York for 12 years now, and when I first got here, I wrote to you of snow and hot coffee and warm bread and old friends. We said to each other that Williams Carlos Williams was right, because he had, in turn, said Raleigh was right, when both insisted, in verse: “The country will give us no peace.” And by that they meant: We must stay here in this cold city and face our neighbors/persecutors/others, because they are actually us and we are actually them … and all of us are behind on last year’s taxes. It’s not enough to get lost in an idyllic life and crawl up what Swinburne called one’s ass. That’s no kind of life for Eurotrash like us, even the ones of us who are unfortunately born in Tulsa.

So I say to you, Leticia, this will not be my last letter, but the first of many, in which I tell you my ongoing travails of being a failed Southern writer in the big city. My work for the specialty magazine I call “Sump Digest.” My continuing dedication to a life of anomie and joy and sadness and pain and loss and all the things that the Kardashian sisters call a life well lived.

You are my feminus salvator, because you believed in me when others saw only the man who sliced the pickle for them in quarters. And so let this be my philippic and my ongoing appeal … to you. My inspiration who is so far away.

As we used to say in Montmartre, may a smile be your colostomy bag.

To be continued,
Salo

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(Originally posted Sunday, October 14, 2007)

Much has been made about the inability of the government to update the levees in New Orleans and make them even safer than they were before Hurricane Katrina. But there are many other possible disasters we are not even thinking about such as:

10. A major California earthquake strikes and shuts down the San Fernando Valley porn industry.

9. A nuclear facility near a major U.S. city is infiltrated by terrorists wielding KFC “sporks”

8. A Goodyear blimp armed with a specially designed dart-gun device lands during Janet Jackson’s half-time show at the Super Bowl

7. A cannibalistic race of furry, red-eyed Morlocks emerges from the caves and drags away the more docile and peaceful members of society, otherwise known as Eloi.

6. Mars Attacks!

5. The Pied Piper of Hamelin leads away all the children with his pretty music.

4. An outbreak of smallpox kills all the Indians.

3. A “three-sigma” event occurs in which the Mississippi River floods at the same time Africanized killer bees attack California and eco-terrorists drop bad brown acid in the water supply

2. God changes His mind and once again floods the entire Earth

1. Did we mention California earthquake and terrorist attack? Maybe we should again.

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(Originally posted Saturday, October 13, 2007)

I read a headline the other day: “Half of the world’s coral reefs could be destroyed.” And they let that conditional sentence hang like that. “Half of the world’s coral reefs could be destroyed,” and in my mind I’m adding, “If we only had the guts.”
Meanwhile,

A motivational speaker has unearthed the 10 habits of highly effective psychopathic dictators.

1. Take a mistress, and if she makes demands, strangle her
2. Follow to the letter the instructions given to you by the Torah, the New Testament, and the Koran, including the stuff about how many shekels you must pay for a sheaf of millet
3. Keep your urine stocked in a row of carefully labeled jars
4. Say to yourself every day, “I’m a winner.” Whenever you hear somebody else claim that he is a winner, kill him in front of his wife and children
5. Don’t eat your enemies until you’ve thanked God for them, unless you are God, in which case you are free to smite the infidels and covetous ones as you see fit
6. Kill cats
7. Create many statues of yourself. This will act as a magnet to your enemies and bring them like lambs to slaughter.
8. Don’t buy a German car; the parts are way too expensive over here.
9. Enjoy a drink now and then, perhaps during a beheading.
10. Start a war against somebody who has not attacked you

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Just a reminder, there’s music at ER Salo Deguierre’s page: here.

Yes, it is me.

(Originally posted Oct. 11, 2007)

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(Originally posted Thursday, October 11, 2007)

The mayor of Atlantic City recently relinquished his post after going missing for two weeks amid charges he embellished his military record. The city has been plagued by many other scandals involving city officials in the recent past, including allegations of graft and extortion. Locals call it a national embarrassment.

Here is a list of ways that city officials have said they hope to clean up Atlantic City and make it a safer and more fun place.

10. Offering $10,000 TIPS hotline reward for anyone who catches sight of a naked city councilman running free.

9. Creating an evacuation route in case of hurricanes or a riot preceded by the absconding of local leadership.

8. Offering a pamphlet explaining how, in case of emergency, to stockpile boiled water, flashlights, batteries, and several pounds of Trump Steaks.

7. Offering a pamphlet to all visitors reminding them that if they bet seven ways on the slot game “Betty Boop,” they increase their chances to win.

6. Offering a free night at the Borgata Spa for any visitor on the boardwalk who is hit by a car driven by an inebriated city official.

5. Repealing certain short-sighted health ordinances so that we can once again reclaim our city motto: “Smoke Any Damn Place You Please.”

4. Promising to crack down on unnecessary and dubious-sounding nicknames among local government officials such as “Lefty,” “Speedy,” and “Gummo.”

3. Offering a raffle for guest spots on “The Apprentice” or on HBO’s “Atlantic City Hookers: It Ain’t E-Z Bein’ A Ho.”

2. Reassuring all of New York City’s old women and Asians that Atlantic City is still a safe place to come and lose all their savings.

1. Just admitting to ourselves: Who cares what we do? You’re coming anyway.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, October 09, 2007)

So, there’s someone new on Facebook who wants to be your friend, but you’re not sure how you know them. No worries! Facebook reminds you:

10. Shalayla wants to be your friend. Hint: You were married to her for six years.

9. Bryan wants to be your friend. Hint: You stole his girlfriend in college and he’s always hated you, but he needs the friend count.

8. Rosie wants to be your friend. Hint: She gave you chlamydia when you were twenty-two.

7. Stanley wants to be your friend. Hint: You enjoyed his film “A Clockwork Orange.”

6. Master-Blaster wants to be your friend. Hint: You tried to chop his head off with a battle axe while suspended on long elastic cables in the Thunderdome.

5. Becca wants to be your friend: Hint: You sired her 10 years ago outside of wedlock.

4. Dad wants to be your friend. Hint: It’s your estranged dad, and he wants to be your friend.

3. Alberto wants to be your friend. Hint: He brought you up on ethics charges.

2. Mike wants to be your friend. Hint: He’s a casual acquaintance who has never been friendly before and who has no reason to be friendly now, unless he just wants something.

1. Henry wants to be your friend. Hint: You were both part of a Dionysian ritualistic murder club at your Vermont college where you killed that old man in the woods and then tried to cover it up by pushing your co-conspirator Bunny off a cliff.

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2 CBS
TV Movie: “Twelve Angry Whites”

4 NBC
America’s Got Autism

5 ABC
A New Vehicle For That Actor Who Was In That Much Better HBO Show

7 Fox
A new reality show from the makers of American Idol: “Who Will Be The Next Great American Band to Sign Over All Their Publishing Rights to Fox?”

9 CW
America’s Next Top Model: This week, the girls must show their poise while interrogating members of Cambodia’s genocidal Khmer Rouge regime and wearing wigs made of salad.

12 Univision
Si, Hombre … Si

13 PBS
Ken Burns Pretty Much Owns This Space Now

18 TNT
We run “Law & Order” reruns so often, that we must start every episode with a disclaimer that Jerry Orbach is no longer alive.

19 HBO
Short Documentary: The Making of Something That’s Not As Good As The Sopranos

20 MTV
Hey, Lard Ass!

21 VH-1
An Interview With a Classic ’60s Rock Star Brought To You By Antipsychotic Drug Thorazine

22 Cinemax
Prohibited Issuings

23 Showtime
The Whiny, Mumbling Pot Dealer

24 E! Entertainment Television
Our Official Countdown of the 20 Most Prevalent Celebrity Diseases and Pathogens

25 Animal Planet
Animal Cops Entrap Gay Panda Ling-Ling in a Minneapolis Airport Bathroom

27 HBO2
The Fantastic Four

28 We
How To Trash Your Wedding Planner’s Name On the Internet

29 Do-It-Yourself
They Don’t Build Brick Shithouses Like They Used To

30 Discovery Health
They Don’t Build Birth Canals Like They Used To

31 Fox News
The John Wayne Gacy Factor

32 Hallmark
Sarah, Tall And Dilated

33 Discovery
Mythbusters use sophisticated fluid mechanics techniques to see if they can knock obstreperous dwarf comedian Chuy into a dunk tank.

34 The Prayer Network
God Gave Me Life

35 Lifetime
Hormone Replacement Therapy Gave Me Life

37 Sundance
Environmental Month Continues With the Documentary, “We Love Our Town Made of Shit”

38 CNN
Larry King and Jenny McCarthy seem to have been talking at cross purposes for 10 minutes and are no longer even having the same discussion. As best I can tell, they’re either talking about Autism Spectrum Disorders or whoopee cushions.

39 Court TV
Forensic Files: The mouse and duct tape blew this case wide open.

40 Spike TV
A Wide and Arbitrary Bunch of Things You Can Slide Around In

42 Food Network
Touch My Leek

(Originally posted Oct. 3, 2007)

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2 CBS
Place Idiotic Military Themed Show Here

4 ABC
Dancing with the Crips

5 NBC
Israel and Palestine decide to settle their differences by seeing who can lose the most weight on “The Biggest Loser”

7 Fox
‘Bones’ Ups the Ante With Extensive 3-D Endoscopic Footage of Foreign Body Retrievals

8 CW
Beauty and the Bed Wetter

20 BET Black Entertainment Television
“Dat Shit’s Da Hype!” A.K.A. “Continuing To Be In Denial That Rap Music Has Not Been Co-Opted Utterly And That It Is No Longer Threatening”

17 The History Channel
Modern Marvels presents cryogenic … oh for Chrissakes, why do you even call it “The History Channel” anymore? Can’t we just stop this charade?

20 E! Entertainment Television
“The Girls Next Door,” Episode 25, An Existential Quandry for Kendra: “If I’m Not Streaking Or Jumping Out of a Cake, Do I Exist Around Here?”

21 VH-1
If I Work Hard Enough, Maybe I Can Give A Blow-Job To The Aging Lead Singer of a Truly Awful ’80s Glam Band (Reality)

46 Lifetime
I Accuse Reba

47 Lifetime Movie
“No Pimp Comes Between Me And the Daughter I Carried In My Womb”

48 FX Network
They say the word “shit” so much on the Glenn Close vehicle “Damages” that they’re really just calling attention to the fact at this point that they still can’t say “fuck.”

49 The Cartoon Network
Adult Swim: “The Truly Gross Embolization of Mickey The Clot.”

50 HBO
“Tell Me You Love Me,” Episode 4, “Did I Just See That Actor’s Testicles?”

51 Spike TV
Fire Good

57 DIY
Do-It-Yourself Baby Control With Your 14-Year-Old Hosts Shayla and Tatty

59 Fox News
Roundtable Discussion: Some People Say Hillary Clinton Would Eat The Meat Of White Babies. We’re Not Saying It’s True. But You Can Make Up Your Own Mind

81 Independent Film Channel
Showing “Total Eclipse” starring Leonardo DiCaprio five times a week fails to make it a better movie.

82 Cinemax
Sex Law Firm

83 Cinemax 2
Sex Granary

84 Cinemax 3
Sex Haberdashery

101 Sundance Channel
How the Amish Will Take Over After the Big Oil Drought Starts

108 CNBC
Mad Money with Jim Cramer: Is Bear Stearns really doing that badly in the credit markets, or is Jim going into seizure? Oh my God! Put a pocket comb in his mouth and turn him on his side!

109 Headline News
Nancy Grace forgets whatever it was that had originally made her feel self-righteous after 40 seconds of shrill, nonsensical invective

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