Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Friday, March 14, 2008 )

Some Bands Playing At Austin’s SXSW Music Conference This Year

The Dumpsterelles

The Fig Nugents

Holiday From Calvinism

Twat Attack

The Mother Phisters

Paul Major and Courtesy Flush

The Bleeding Ulsters

Respect the Cock

Foment Madness

The Wernicke’s Aphasia Band

Emordinary

The Lambda Sign Band

The Rainer Werner Ass Binders

The Drastically Lowered Standards Band

The Wedge Cuts

The Overhead Jennicams

Trial at Nuremburg

The Flying Onanists

Spitzer on Trial

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(Originally posted Thursday, March 13, 2008 )

Things To Keep In Perspective As We Watch The Downfall of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer

–*Eliot Spitzer, unlike Bill Clinton, had to pay women to be with him, which means he is likely just as much an unlikeable weasel among ladies as he is among his distinguished colleagues in Albany.

–*We would be wrong in suggesting that Eliot Spitzer’s weaselly behavior somehow redeems the criminals he chased on Wall Street or atones for the sins of predatory capitalists who would still victimize you, and we should remember that he was still right to nail their sorry sack of shit asses to the wall.

–*We would do well to remember that Gov. Spitzer is in trouble for engaging in the sort of illicit activity that he himself had prosecuted and for structuring shell companies to hide this activity. He is not in trouble for commiting adultery, nor should we make this a discussion about adultery, which is a personal moral problem and not the business of the weaselly constituents.

–*We should ask why is it that the resigned, sad abnegation written on Silda Spitzer’s face as she stands at her weasel husband’s side somehow makes her really, really hot–much hotter than she ever was prancing about like a dressage pony in her ball gowns.

–*We should all ask Silda for a date if she leaves her weasel husband.

–*But we should not assume that she will, because the dedication of two highly intelligent successful people to each other is stronger than the base morality of tut-tutting fishwives or anybody else who watches the Lifetime network.

–*We should all be more familiar with the Mann Act, which is rarely invoked except in special cases involving Eliot Spitzer, Chuck Berry and Charlie Chaplin.

–*We should remember that prostitution will never go away, because it never has, because there are always weasels who are willing to pay for it, and thus it might be better off legalized and controlled since it cannot be totally expunged.

–*We should all pay more attention to Ashley Alexandra Dupre, to set an example for all girls showing them how fame and notoriety and book and record deals await them in their career as high-priced prostitutes.

–*We should also keep in mind that being a sexually exploited high-class prostitute is going to much better prepare you for a life in the music industry than you could ever imagine.

–*We should remember that, though Eliot Spitzer is indeed a weasel, we would be remiss in saying that his failings are anything remotely equivalent morally to those of another executive branch politician who is still at large, still in power and still responsible for the deaths of anywhere from 100,000 to a million Iraqis.

–*We should all realize that we are not going to learn anything important about this story from anybody who appears on Larry King, especially not from someone who has written a book.

–*We should remember that a man will give up everything, even unthinkable political power, for just a couple of hours with a 6 from South Jersey.

–*… the type of girl whom you could probably get it from for free, by the way, with a couple of Amaretto Sours and a bit of wheedling.

–*We would also do well to remember that Eliot Spitzer would not be in this predicament if he simply greased his weasel more often.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, March 11, 2008 )

“Eliot Spitzer”+”governor”+”New York”

“Eliot Spitzer”+”governor”+”New York”+”prostitution scandal”

“Eliot Spitzer”+”governor”+”Client 9”

“Eliot Spitzer”+”governor”+”New York”+”sanctimonious”

“Eliot Spitzer”+”governor”+”New York”+”widely hated”

“Eliot Spitzer”+”governor”+”New York”+schadenfreude

“Eliot Spitzer”+”attorney general”+”Wall Street”

“Eliot Spitzer”+”Dow Jones”+”up 416 points”

“Eliot Spitzer”+prostitute+Kristen

“Eliot Spitzer”+prostitute+sex+unsafe

“Eliot Spitzer”+prostitute+sex+$4300

“Eliot Spitzer”+cheap

“Eliot Spitzer”+”Dunkin’ Doughnuts”

“Dunkin’ Doughnuts”+”buttered croissant”

“Where do I find a buttered croissant in Patterson, N.J.?”

“Where do I find a Dunkin’ Doughnuts in Patterson, N.J.?”

“Where do I find a prostitute in Patterson, N.J.?”

“Patterson, N.J.”+escorts+cheap

Patterson+escorts+cheap+”do French”+”water sports””

“Barack Obama”+Mississippi

“Barack Obama”+Mississippi+”vice president”

Hillary+”second place”+desperate

Hillary+”first female president”

Barack+”first black president”

“Bill Clinton”+”first black president”

“Eliot Spitzer”+wife+handsome

“Patterson, N.J.”+prostitute+klismaphilia+enema

prostitute+weird

“What is progestin-induced hermaphrodism?”

“Patterson, N.J.” +”bus schedule”

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(Originally posted Monday, March 10, 2008 )

I’ve been getting an unusually large number of hits lately at ER Salo Deguierre’s page. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the attention, but the audience for my music has always been — and let me put this delicately — very selective since I started posting it last year. I wonder what’s caused the increase?

–*Is it that my one obsessed fan is going there 10 times a day?

–*Is it that my music has hit a raw nerve with those who crave the sound of a drum machine?

–*Is it that people have mistaken me for American Idol’s Carly Smithson, a.k.a., “Carly Plant” (her name over at Vote for the Worst, whose posters believes she is but a record company ringer)?

–*Is it that people crave the sound of a horrible singer, because it always makes them feel better about themselves?

–*Is it that music lifts up the soul? Is it that all music is good and any expression of it, even mine, is considered by those it touches to be a bona fide work of the spirit?

–*Is it just that they like the blue color of the page?

–*Is it that somebody wants to sue me because they think my song sounds like theirs and that I ripped them off?

–*Is it that somebody is cribbing all the notes of the songs so that they may rip me off?

–*Is it that the picture on the home page creates a compelling allure of mystery, offering a kind of willful anonymity that forces the listener to rethink such preconceived constructs like artistic authorship and ownership, and thus denies the exaggerated subjective viewpoint of rock music in particular and modernism in general?

–*Or is it that my real picture appears in the next link, and then you can say “Oh, there he is!”

–*Is it that the lo-fi revolution has started, and people will no longer be force fed music they hear on the radio, but rather they will seek out the things they listen to themselves, creating a grassroots cottage industry of artists and artisans?

–*Or is it just a mistake, and 11 people wandered onto my page by accident?

It doesn’t matter. I like the attention.

My wife and I are still getting through boxes and trying to find new furniture after moving last week. We’re still not hitting on all 8s, but maybe in a few days, things should be more like normal. After that, I hope to start writing frequent blogs again.

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(Originally posted Sunday, March 09, 2008 )

What’s New In the Self-Help Book Section This Week?

“How To Eat Flesh and Influence People,” by Dave Smiley

“Get The Life You Want Now (By Taking Power In a Nazi-Style Putsch)” by Sweet Pomeroy

“How A Large Vocabulary Can Show You’ve Got Something To Prove,” by Emily Sontag

” …” or by Susan Sontag, for that matter

“Chicken Soup for the Cock,” by Dan Bentman

“How To Get More Sex By Simply Paying For It,” by Grischa Erdmann

“The Proud Pedophile,” by Gene McCracken

“It’s Not My Business What Anybody Thinks of Me, Especially Sally in Cube 4,” by Reba McClane in Cube 3

“There’s A God Inside You, So Go Ahead and Smite Somebody,” by Shanti O’Dell

“You Must Have Been Through Some Kind of Shitty Ordeal To Be Here,” by Bucky Diamond

“How To Achieve The Wisdom of the Ancients (And Get Better Abs at the Same Time)” by Krishna Dorizzio

“Life Coaching for Dolphins,” by Simeon McNash

“Shana, Stop Whining! You Could Have It Worse,” by Yente Rubenstein

“Someone Needs To Take You Down A Notch,” by Sgt. Barry Swabish

“How High Expectations and Hope Make You Miserable,” by Sally Longbride

“Whatever Doesn’t Kill You Just Makes You Stronger, However the Janjaweed Will Probably Just Kill You,” by Musa Hilal

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(Originally posted Saturday, March 08, 2008 )

2 ABC
This week on “Lost,” everybody must talk like a robot. I’m talking like a robot. You must talk like a robot. Affirmative.

3 CBS
Running out of pompous Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations about the mind, “Criminal Minds” starts off this week with Oscar Wilde’s death bed quip, “Either this wallpaper goes or I do.”

4 NBC
If I don’t recognize you, then you’re not a Celebrity Apprentice

15 Discovery
Discover all the Japanese borrow words for pornographic film maneuvers

17 Cable Access
Pornographic Japanese Film Maneuvers

18 Discovery Kids
Mythbusters see if there’s really such a sexual practice as “donkey punching.”

23 Lifetime
Haley Joel Osment: When The Voice Breaks

48 Ovation
Patti LuPone Special: You Don’t Deserve This Evening Of Fine Entertainment By Me

55 Crosswalk
911 Conspiracy Theorists Show How the Twin Towers Actually Fell Before the Planes Hit Them

57 HBO
Schindler’s List

58 HBO2
Tyler Perry’s Schindler’s List

59 Showtime
Jet Li’s all-martial-arts recapitulation of the 2nd Opium War

59 E! Entertainment Television
This week on a very sad episode of “The Girls Next Door,” playmate Holly has to be put to sleep

60 CNN
Each of the presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, continues to impress upon voters how he is more uniquely qualified than the other in a contest of manipulating the media

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(Originally posted Tuesday, March 04, 2008 )

… than the move my wife and I just endured?

Of course, a lot of things could be worse:

–*Getting a root canal James Frey style

–*Being nostril-raped by a 1 foot tall clone of Napoleon.

–*Having your hamstring cut by an obsessed male nurse who doesn’t want you to leave him.

–*Doing the limbo by driving a Carmengia under a gas truck … and not…quite…making it

–*Having a rigorously copied painting of Georges Seurat’s “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte” tattooed on your scrotum by I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby

–*Getting bitch slapped to death by a whale’s phallus

–*Going out into the wilds of Alaska to prove your self-reliance … and then starving to death.

–*Being forced at gunpoint to type out your own suicide note in a POW camp and not being able to come up with any better verbs. Or for that matter a word that rhymes with “recalcitrant.”

–*Eating a Retribution sandwich at the Hard Cheese Cafe.

–*Being ear wigged by an ear wigging ear wigger

–*Having a party in your mouth and your parents are invited

–*Being Old Yeller, as opposed to having to just shoot Old Yeller

As of March 3, my wife and I have moved into our new digs. My desk was dropped and destroyed by the movers, so I will still be writing infrequently for a few days, and only then from a very hard, punishing chair.

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(Originally posted Friday, February 29, 2008 )

Compliments Nobody Wants To Hear, Vol. 2

–*You’re so pretty when I look at you from a very low angle and 10 feet away

–*You have gone about as far in life as a tambourine player can go.

–*You would make a great comic relief part in the ABC After-School Special I’m directing about bulimia

–*I like to call that giant purple birthmark covering half of your body a “God’s kiss.”

–*You are the sexiest rodeo clown alive

–*You sure do smile a lot for a person with so many enemies.

–*Especially you, O.J.

–*A person like you has to be really genuine to have so many teeth missing and not be embarrassed about it

–*You handle your Thorazine so well

–*You jump out of a cake sober and fall into a cake drunk with equal aplomb

–*You must have a heart of gold to be that much in love with a sadistic, abusive, repressed, fetishistic police officer

–*You must have a heart of gold to be that much in love with a limited and smarmy rich kid Republican president

–*You’ve moved up so fast in Hollywood, I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose

–*You are the sexiest, most inspiring movie star who dropped out of high school ever

–*You are the sexiest, most inspiring U.S. president who made straight C’s ever.

–*You’ve got more talent for painting than could have ever been expected from a serial killer of women serving multiple life sentences in prison

–*You’re like Paul Newman without the charisma, looks, brains or talent.

Yes, I was serious, I am busy this weekend, but had 10 minutes to be foolish.

P.S.: –*Eric, you certainly do have a lot of time on your hands for somebody who is so foolish.

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(Originally posted Thursday, February 28, 2008 )

Top 11 Reasons That “Beauty Is Imperfection” Blogs Will Be Less Frequent for the Next Few Days

–*I’m moving
–*My wife is moving
–*I have exhausted all my jokes and ideas. They are all gone. Gone utterly
–*I just want to tease you by holding off on that third installment of “Chad the Dictator” that you all have been crying for
–*I’m writing a very special Top Ten list that is so groundbreaking it will save the polar bears from extinction
–*”Nobody ever expected you to write daily, Eric, so who gives a shit?”
–*I’m going on a hunger strike until Carly Smithson is booted off “American Idol”
–*I’m going on a hunger strike until George Bush is booted out of the American presidency
–*I’m going off to work on a novelization of “Letters to My Imaginary Friend Leticia”
–*I’m mourning the death of William F. Buckley
–*I’m mourning the death of reason

In any case, expect to hear a bit less from me over the next few days as Stephanie and I flee the Cossacks and find a new patch of Earth a few blocks away. After we’re free and clear, I’ll give you the address of the evil management company that has removed us, and you can mail your bags of feces to them.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 27, 2008 )

Top 11 Reasons Why We Did It

–*He wasn’t the right guy for me.

–*She was pitchy, dawg

–*Because he kept talking and talking and talking

–*I was tired of being a slave to that old woman and her retarded simpleton sister Lizaveta

–*I didn’t believe that her health care plan was well thought out

–*Because the other one tasted better

–*Because his plot was very confusing, and he even had two different characters named Quentin, one male and one female. What kind of sick fuck does that?

–*Because I am a Nietzschean superman. Pull my finger

–*Because I was rudely stamped. Deformed. Unfinished. … I am determined to prove a villain.

–*Because I am John Lennon, not him

–*It’s none of your business why I did it. I don’t have to explain myself to you.

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