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Archive for the ‘Books & Literature’ Category

What New Children’s Books Are Hitting The Shelves?

Posted in Books & Literature, tagged , , , , , , , on March 15, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Sunday, October 26, 2008 )

–*The Boy Who Twittered Wolf. A heart-warming tale about a boy who kept asking on his Twitter, “When are the Jonas Brothers coming to town?” only to find that nobody listened when he wrote, “Oh my God! My family is being disemboweled!”

–*Mufster and Pecksniff Find a Dead Body

–*The Adventures of Track, Piper, Willow, Trig, Bristol Vol. 5. In this episode, the five children outsmart the evil, smug and self-righteous Nurse Vegan.

–*Miffy and Fleady Survive the Irish “Troubles”: In this episode, Miffy and Fleady find out that parades aren’t always fun. In fact, sometimes they are an incendiary political act with fatal repercussions.

–*Heather Has Only One Mommy, But Both Kinds of Genitalia

–*The Adventures of Sarah and Todd: In this volume, the super governor and her husband find an odd, buffering medium that magically shields them from criminal indictment.

–*Mr. Bear Meets Mr. Gun

–*Governor Palin Flays and Eats Bullwinkle

–*Why Mr. Rabbit Can’t Have Any More Baby Rabbits After Vietnam

–*The Funny Pig Who Thought He Was A Sheepdog (But Was Instead Classified as an Enemy Combatant and Thus Was No Longer Subject to the Geneva Convention in the Eyes of the Bush Administration and Was Thus Water-Boarded and Told To Dig His own Grave)

–*The Sad Story of Mr. Depreciated Dollar Bill

–*The Littlest German National Socialist

–*The VeggieTales: Episode 486: Where Larry the Cucumber finds out that God gives everybody a chance and that even a seemingly innocuous cultivated gourd like himself can be a hero to a 23-year-old French blonde nymphomaniac.

–*Busby and Griff Cause an International Diplomatic Crisis: In this episode, Busby needs the help of the Turkish government to find Griff, so he ought pick his battles, keep his mouth shut and realize now is not the time to bring up the 90-year-old genocide of the Armenians.

–*Daddy Wants To Have Parts Like Mommy

–*Is Buford Bear Gay or Just Sensitive?

–*Momma Kitty Wants A Box (And To Eat The Afterbirth)

–*W’s Bad Day

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Not-So-Comforting Words From Morrie

Posted in Books & Literature, tagged , , , , , , on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Tuesday, November 20, 2007)

Morrie Schwartz offered his pupil Mitch Ablom many pearls of gnomic wisdom in the classic book “Tuesdays With Morrie.” But what inspirational nuggets were left out?

–* “Death is the easy part. It’s your penis superglued to your leg that’s hard.”

–* “Once you learn how to die, it’s too late to learn how to tango. You have to do it in the right order. That’s just common sense.”

–* “It’s OK. When I made love to the rook, it was already dead.”

–* “Being is being. Being just is. A man coming at you with a machete also is, and then soon after that, you are not.”

–* “Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, not what you hear. Nor who you hear it from. Nor the inherent truth of anything perceived with the senses or the intellect or reason or judgment. And if you call that dissociative disorder or psychosis, well then, there you go.”

–* “You have to believe what you feel. Especially if it tingles and gives you shooting pains because it might be epilepsy or a mild stroke.”

–* “Life is doing, not being. So if you’re listening to this garbage, you’re already doing it all wrong.”

–* “A lot of this shit I’m saying Sartre said a lot better. I don’t know why you’re sitting here with me. You could just be looking him up in the library. He’s under ‘S’ for chrissakes.”

–* “Sometimes, for no good reason, a person should just lash out at somebody, make them cry, and ruin their day. I can’t tell you why, Mitch, but it helps.”

–* “If you love, say, a dog too much, you make it selfish, dependent, needy, spoiled and neurotic. That pretty much describes all love in a nutshell.”

–* “You must devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and helps you develop a rich internal life. I think day-trading is a fantastic way to achieve that goal.”

–* “Let love come in, but also know when to pull out. I mean, there’s a lot of pre-ejaculate in love.”

–* “Every age has its own poetry. Milton is really boring, though.”

–* “As far as men go, it is not what they are that interests me, but what they can become. Especially what they become when their plane has gone down in the Andes and they start eating each other.”

–* “The devil is an invention by those who were kept from something they wanted. The nurse who brings me my medication is not a devil. She’s just a horrible bitch with a face that looks like it was caught in a door.”

–* “Time is a function of consciousness. Watching “Jag” is a good way to kill both.”

–* “Everything has been figured out, except how to live. Pull my finger.”

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