Beauty is Imperfection

6 a.m.: Polls open after the five minutes of early voting time in Ohio.

Noon: Lines form around the block in areas hit by Hurricane Sandy and wherever skin happens to be black.

8 p.m. Rep. Todd Akin loses to Claire McCaskill in Missouri, which goes to show, if you bring up the sensitive topic of rape, make sure you know which kind of rape you’re talking about, the good kind or the bad kind.

11 p.m. Fox News pundits say that Obama must take a conciliatory tone with his enemies. The first thing to do would be to compromise with birthers, however that might work out.

11:01 Donald Trump reacts to the news of Obama’s victory with what appears to be Twitter’s first recorded mid-Tweet aneurism or else a garden variety shit hemorrhage.

11 p.m. Miami Dade is tired and wants to go to bed, and doesn’t want to count anymore. Florida already knows what you think about it and its election problems and so has nothing to prove to you and you can wait for months to find out who won in Florida for all Florida cares.

12:30 a.m. Fox News pundits say that America has shown, by electing Barack Obama, that they want politicians to reach across the aisle. Like when Chris Christie hugged Obama after Hurricane Sandy. But actually, Christie is toast for doing that.

1:00 a.m. Romney concedes the race. Fox News says it’s too close to call.

1:04 a.m. We learn that Ann Romney encouraged Mitt to run in this brutalizing, expensive race. Naturally she’s trying to get even with him for making her whelp all those Mormon babies.

1:06 a.m. Ed Rollins says that Bill Clinton left office in disgrace. He’s not sure what for. Was that the Iran Contra thing? Twelve years was a long time ago.

1:41 a.m. Barack Obama, in his victory speech, vows to help the nation’s unemployed, starting with millions of dollars of bailouts to the interests of people like Mitt Romney.

1:50 a.m. Barack Obama has to seize the moment in his victory speech and lay out an agenda and vision for the next four years. But he will likely be spending that time explaining that he is not an immigrant, antichrist, communist, Muslim, zombie, sith lord or clone.