Beauty is Imperfection

My son Xander recently reached the age of 8 months. Every new month brings new milestones in child development, including new abilities, talents and comprehension. What are some of the things I can expect as the father of an 8 month old?

–* My son will start moving around on his belly more, creeping towards things or pushing himself backwards with his arms.

–*He will increasingly start to chew on softened foods.

–*He used to put the remote control in his mouth. Now he will throw it at my head.

–*He likes to take objects and bang them, twist them, throw them, squeeze them, drop them, notarize them, send them parcel post, sprinkle them with glitter, sew them to his eyebrow and dissolve them in aqueous acid.

–*He will now have a better sense of what objects do, whether it’s a comb for straightening his hair, a cup for drinking, or a horse’s head in a bed that sends a message to the Tattaglia family.

–*He will now exhibit separation anxiety when he leaves me or my wife, unless the person taking him is really hot.

–*My child’s depth perception is almost adult-like, which means he can likely see right through adults and their bullshit.

–*If he goes through bouts of persistent crying for no apparent reason, it could be that he’s simply taking after mommy.

–*Letters of the alphabet will make more sense to him, as will racist jokes.

–*He will be more able now to stand on his own–with the help of a chair, a table or an illegal prescription drug from a celebrity doctor.

–*Some studies suggest that babies already have a sense of empathy for other babies in distress at this stage of development. But since I am adult, I can expect him to have no empathy for me whatsoever when I’m trying to sleep and he’s got a wild hair up his butt to yell in a shrill monotone. Thanks for nothing, child empathy!

–*A baby needs stimulation from more activity at this phase, whether it’s a trip to the zoo, a walk in the park, a rock concert for babies, a rock concert by Phish, the Altamont Concert, a book club, a fight club, an anti-nuclear energy demonstration, a Tea Party event or a jailhouse interview with convicted murderer Charles Manson.

–*He will like it when I dance with him. Favorite dances include the hora and the box step, but not the macarena, which your baby will recognize as a passé and stupid step from the early 1990s.

–*For some reason, though, he will likely do the Freddy.

–*This is a time for him to explore his boundaries and discover his limits. As he gets older, he’ll be doing the former less, while he’ll be doing the latter for the rest of his life.