Beauty is Imperfection

Here are several first drafts of President Obama’s speech following his party’s upset in the midterm elections on Tuesday.

My fellow Americans,

I stand here before you today humbled, but also a bit confused about what you might have been thinking Tuesday when, like a lot of spoiled brats, you voted…

Tuesday was a historic day in America’s history. After we Democrats spent the last two years communicating the need for changes in our health care and financial sectors, you Americans took the initiative by boldly shooting the messenger…

My fellow Americans,

I’m still scratching my head at how shit-all stupid you could be…

My fellow Americans,

We saw at the polls Tuesday that Americans are very impatient and angry about the pace of change. Therefore it should not be surprising that they elected people to Congress who don’t actually agree with them on anything …

Russ Feingold has been a maverick legislator. That’s why you brave mavericks out there kicked him to death like a scrawny yearling…

Is it just me or does Nancy Pelosi look like a scary helicopter mom?

Dear Americans,

Did you read the damn health care bill? It said you didn’t have to change insurers. It was right there in print. I guess asking that you read is too m…..

Dear Voters,

To my independent friends in particular: Do you just vote against everything or do you actually have any beliefs?

My fellow Americans,

You say you want to roll back big government, and that you are mad the government has failed to get you a job. I am very sorry it is too late for you to work through the logic and do the math on that statement and change your ghastly abhorrent vote that you made on T…

My fellow Americans,

You know, right wingers, if you screamed “capitalized medicine” as often as you scream “socialized medicine,” you’d probably realize that both sound pretty scary, that is if you could think for two …

Half of voters unhappy with the health care bill thought it went too far. Half thought it didn’t go far enough. John Boehner sees this as a mandate. If he won the lottery, I suppose he’d think it was because he was smart.

Dear voters,

I want to congratulate the wealthiest 2% of Americans for winning Tuesday’s election. Oh let’s admit it, you win every election…

You kicked out more people who voted against health care than voted for it, just because you seem to like kicking people out. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I shouldn’t listen to you at all.

Dear voters,

How about that Charlie Sheen? What a putz!

Dear voters,

I’m putting “too big to fail” on the dollar, since you all seem to like meaningless sentiments.

My fellow Americans,

I have tried my hardest to remain nonpartisan and stay above the fray. But I guess it’s hard to stay above the fray when you are dealing with a chimpanzee who is trying to eat your face, therefore …

My fellow Americans,

Boy was I ever shellacked this week…