Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Wednesday, November 19, 2008 )

White Trash Racist Man Has Another Lousy Day Thanks To Obama

Muncie, INDIANA (AP) Muncie racist Blake Fortenoy has had another shitty day thanks to the election of America’s first black president, Barack Obama.

“Obama got elected and I know for a fact he thinks white people like me are trash,” said Fortenoy. “Guess I’m an endangered species now.”

Fortenoy had earlier in the day set his drapes on fire after leaving a cigarette burning all night. Later on he fell off his roof trying to steal his next door neighbor’s cable with a high gain antenna.

“God damn black president,” neighbors heard him yelling as he fell into an empty above-ground pool next door.

Fortenoy’s sister, nephew, mother and wife have said that since Barack Obama’s election, Fortenoy’s life has taken a definite turn for the worse, as he’s endured flat tires, a hunting accident, and third-degree burns when he tried to siphon gas out of somebody else’s car in a parking lot to fill up his 1978 Pinto. He also blames Obama for his frequent bad moods, upset stomach and inability to cope with daily pressures like having to pay his rising credit card debt.

“All I can say is, this was our country, and now it’s not anymore, and I feel more helpless than ever,” said Fortenoy, after cutting off the tip of his finger with a pair of cigar clippers.

Later that evening, Fortenoy bit off the tip of his tongue trying to eat an Arby’s big beef and cheddar too fast when he was still in the drive-thru.

While Fortenoy was out shooting his guns last week, he fired one up in the air. The bullet landed in his shoulder and he had to be rushed to the emergency room where he soon suffered from sepsis and a nosocomial staph infection.

“Fuckin blacks!” he yelled right before he underwent hemodialysis that his medical insurance would not cover. “Fuckin’ lazy blacks.”

“Fortenoy’s condition is such that he projects his own feelings of self-hatred and lack of self-worth onto an entire race of people,” said Dr. Gertrude Bronstein, a psychologist at the University of Florida. “What Obama-haters need to do is build the empty, dark, cavernous void that is their soul and find something that builds their self esteem and self of purpose instead of blaming people who are not responsible for their happiness.”

“Mother fucking darkies,” screamed Fortenoy after hearing that he had just failed his high school equivalency exam for the third time. “Will they stop at nothing to ruin me? Obama is the antichrist! Don’t you know that? It’s in the Bible. He’s a Muslim terrorist. I’m a guy who works all night at a factory making bottle caps and can’t even pay child support for four children I have or back alimony to three wives. So how is it that I am the only one who understands how dangerous this guy is?”

“Don’t you see how hard it’s been for him?” said his wife, Rema. “It kills me to have to leave him. But this new guy I met at the Broken Spoke’s got a steadier income, and my kids have gotta eat.”

“I used to be proud just to be white,” said Fortenoy. “Now I don’t even have that anymore. My whole life is ruined. Now I have to work for it.”

Fortenoy plans to spend tomorrow watching television for eight hours and firing his gun at stray dogs and pigeons before getting drunk to the point of blindness.

“That usually makes me happy for a while,” he said. “But happiness never lasts long. Thanks, Barack Obama.”