Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Saturday, November 15, 2008 )

President-elect Barack Obama has prepared an extensive questionnaire for those seeking a cabinet-level post for his incoming administration, and the questions it asks are seen as being more far-reaching and personal than ever before. Many see it as a way to help avoid potential conflicts of interest and embarrassing disclosures about administration officials that might come later.

What are some of the questions being asked?

–*Can you please list any jobs or sources of income besides those on your current resume?

–*Have you ever worked as a lobbyist or worked for a foreign principal?

–*Are you Hillary Clinton?

–*Do you have the kind of baggage that Hillary Clinton has?

–*Have you ever been the focus of any kind of controversy, a question that is admittedly pretty silly to ask if your name happens to be Hillary Clinton.

–*If your name happens to be Hillary Clinton, did you really think we’d believe you when you said those missing Whitewater records would just magically appear on a dining room table?

–*How is it that you made a ten thousand percent rate of return on cattle futures in 1979 when you had no trading experience in this type of commodity … if your name is Hillary Clinton.

–*Do you like sex with plump young Jewish interns?

–*Do you like sex with plump young interns because they look up to you and don’t judge you like some other people?

–*Which describes you better: a) You have an uncontrollable need for unconditional love, mostly from the sexual favors of firm-breasted 22-year-old co-eds; b) You need to make a lot of money to prove yourself to people who were taller than you in high school; or c) You entered politics because you didn’t know how else to handle your unquenchable desires to kill?

–*Please list any instances in which you have testified before a grand jury, a legislative body, a regulatory commission, an empanelled jury in a criminal trial, an administrative law judge, a tax clerk, a papal magistrate, a devil’s advocate, the Shriners, a council of bishops, a Greek Orthodox Synod, or the tribal council on “Survivor.”

–*Please provide a list of any books, articles, blog posts, essays, op-ed columns, memos, e-mails, haikus, blank verse, villanelles, quatrains, sestinas, librettos, graffiti, theses or manifestos you have ever written, published, posted, circulated, slapped on somebody’s back, written on somebody’s notebook, or nailed to the door of a church.

–*Please include a list of any speeches you have given, along with possible transcripts, even if the speech was given in college and even if the audience was stone drunk.

–*If you have ever sent an embarrassing e-mail that you wish you could take back now, please tell us what it is, especially if it involved calling somebody’s girlfriend a hatchet-faced, castrating harpy.

–*If you ever revealed a man-crush in a diary, please divulge now and tell us if it’s definitely over.

–*Please list any organization, civic, fraternal, charitable, or political that you have been even remotely involved with, including the Cub Scouts, Brownies, Fantasy Football leagues and the KISS Army.

–*Please reveal whether you have a Facebook page, what your handles are, what groups you are a part of, who you have chatted with, who you’ve Super Poked and why.

–*If you have ever joined the Facebook page, “Obama is the AntiChrist,” please explain why, laying out your ecclesiastical arguments one by one.

–*Please reveal which business entities you are currently doing business with that might be subject to federal aid or legal intervention, including Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, General Motors, Macy’s, McDonalds, Death Row Records, the Wu Tang Clan and Girls Gone Wild! Also provide any account numbers, Social Security numbers, pin numbers, passwords, safe-deposit keys, credit card numbers and Frequent Flier points.

–*Please think of anything you’ve done going back to age 5 that would compromise the office of the president of the United States, including embarrassing class pictures, failed romantic courtships, pre-marital sex, provocative movements, bad haircuts, wrong-headed political t-shirts and interest in bad music groups that could reveal you to be unethical, to use bad judgment, to have bad taste, or to think bad thoughts. Suspect behavior would include being too liberal or making too much money.