Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Wednesday, October 15, 2008 )

Lagging In the Polls, VP Candidate Sarah Palin Scores High Marks on Anchorage Junior Hockey League’s “Fuckability Index”

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA (API) – As the number of weeks left in the sometimes bitter 2008 U.S presidential race dwindle, a number of polls show vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her running mate John McCain lagging in the polls. However, surprising support has come from a heretofore overlooked quarter, as Palin scores consistently high marks on the Anchorage Junior Varsity Hockey League’s “Fuckability Index.”

“Point for point, Palin is the clear winner here,” said 15-year-old Sammy Moynihan, team captain and star center for the Anchorage Cusk Eels. “We matched Palin on several important issues that we believe a credible candidate must have: looks, personality, brains, breasts, bottom, legs, overall sex appeal, and personal integrity.”

He added, “In our index, of course, Barack Obama falls way down to the bottom of the list at somewhere below 260 millionth place. He doesn’t even rate as well as Becky Hutchins in my civics class. A total hatchet face.”

Moynihan’s forward right, Jerry Rayhall, concurred with his teammate’s assessment.

“Our index is a little more sophisticated than most,” Rayhall said. “A lot of guys just do the T&A check, but there are some of us who also want a girl you could talk to and fall in love with. Someone who could squeeze out a few of your puppies there, ya know?”

Rayhall has scored three goals for the year and has eight assists.

The hockey league’s fuckability index was a think-tank project incubated “sometime in the late 1980s,” says team goaltender Larry “Longshanks” Weismuller, by one of his older brothers, christened on a piece of crinkled engineers paper during a night of crazed Onanism at the Log Creek High School Cabin Retreat.

“That first index was a little rough,” says Weismuller. “The first version was pretty much what you’d expect there. Just tits and ass there.”

Over time, however, with the help of input from older brothers and uncles and fathers and friendly aging grocery store clerk Mr. Buttons, said Rayhall, the index became a highly sophisticated political index that helped ferret out many more qualities that are bound to set a female apart.

“Sarah Palin’s just blown the list wide open, there,” said Moynihan. “I mean, we never even thought to add talents like ‘sharp shooting,’ ‘moose packing’ and ‘payback.'” The latter, of course, was Palin’s “Dirty Harry type” persistence in persecuting her former brother-in-law, State Trooper Michael Wooten, whose nasty divorce from Palin’s sister provoked hostile family reaction that shook the highest levels of state government.

“Oh boy, I might have to add a notch to each category for that one. That whole Troopergate thing just made her knobs look bigger to me,” said Weismuller, adding a “1” to the breasts and thighs categories to round them out to perfect 10s for Palin.

The index is mathematically very simple says Kit Vonnegut, a forward who led in team back checks last season. Each woman is rated on a scale of 1 to 10 for each category. “For instance, Sarah Marshton gets a 2 for boobs and 10 for personality. And it’s vice versa for Violet Petty. Bitch won’t even look at me in history class.”

Vonnegut has an eye patch and a possible spinal cord injury after last year’s JV championship with the Nome Sled Dogs when he was brained by a wild puck while playing the blue line.

“But oh, Sarah Palin fills up my right eye mighty nice there,” he said.

Upon hearing about the “fuckability index,” the boys’ civics teacher pointed out “It’s an important sociological imperative getting students involved in politics at an early age.”

She then sent them straight to detention and a Newsweek investigation should follow next week.