Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Sunday, September 21, 2008 )

There are many ways that a writer can prune bad and overused words from his or her writing to make it punchier. Here is a list of pointers in my new section, “Beauty is Imperfection’s Writing Tips.”

1) Don’t be tempted to start a sentence with the word “there.”

Poor: “There was no one at home.”
Better: “I couldn’t find anyone in the house to shoot in the head.”

2) Go on a “which” hunt. The word “which” is often a weak pronoun.

Poor: “We went to eat at the the bistro, which had great food.”
Better: “We went to eat the pork sausages made out of dead New Jersey mafia guys at the bistro.”

3) Instead of using second person, which is weak, be more exact.

Poor: “My grandfather would always give you a nickel.”
Better: “My grandfather would always give a whore a nickel.”

4) The word “when” is usually unnecessary for past tense if people realize that the situations explained were concurrent.

Poor: “When the train skid off the rails, it killed two people.”
Better: “The train skidded off the rails and killed two people because safe working conditions in this country are a joke.”

5) The word “very” is usually unnecessary.

Poor: “The stock market faced very serious turmoil this week after the meltdown of AIG, Lehman Brothers and Merrill Lynch.”
Better: “You are all fucking fucked this week after AIG, Lehman Brothers and Merrill Lynch got the bung starter from unregulated greaseballs.”

6) A writer should not use the word “as” so often to describe timing.

Poor: “George W. Bush was in Houston this week keeping mum as some of the largest investment banks fell apart.”
Better: “George Bush doesn’t give a shit about you.”

7) A writer can almost always avoid the word “really.”

Poor: “Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson was really concerned about what would happen if AIG were allowed to fail.”
Better: “Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson is nationalizing the nation’s largest insurer because everyone’s a socialist during a great depression.”

8 ) Try not to use “be” verbs as “is/am/were”

Poor: “I am feeling nervous about the stock market.”
Better: “The stock market makes me want to put a gun in my mouth.”

I was inspired to write this little post after seeing this Web site:

http://preciseedit.com/Article10OverusedWords/tabid/215/Default.aspx

As a professional copy editor, I can tell you, the tips mentioned on this site are completely useless, and these so-called weak words are the least of your problems if you want to improve your writing. I suggest you listen to these tips never.