(Originally posted Friday, January 18, 2008 )
I don’t spend enough time answering MySpace questionnaires. Probably because these are the kind of answers I would give:
1.How long do you spend in the shower?
An hour after I’ve killed a man.
2. Name something a football player wears under his uniform.
Nipple clamps
3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield.
A dead otter
4. Name something a man might buy before a date.
Dental insurance
5. What’s another word for blemish?
Supperating carbuncle
6. Name a food often cooked in the microwave.
Raw wolverine
7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving.
Emotional baggage.
8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman.
The protein
9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner.
Tells racist jokes
10. Name a kind of test you cannot study for
A litmus test
11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for.
Knowing all the words to “Bringing Sexy Back”
12. Name a phrase with the word ‘Home’ in it.
“Home is where I buried the bodies.”
13. Name a sport where players lose teeth.
A human-eating contest among a school of sharks
14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student’s day.
Give them a golden shower
15. What is a way you can tell someone has been crying?
His tears are washing the blood off his mouth
16. Name something found at a seance.
Spirits, ghosts, angels, Jesus, unicorns, Rainbow Brite, Jackie Kennedy, aliens and the Pillsbury Doughboy
17. Name a bird you wouldn’t want to eat.
A jail bird
18. Name something that gets folded.
Ben Folds Five. Manifolds. O.J. in prison.
19. Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it.
Courtney Love
20. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it.
Life
*Note 2/5/26: I used to and sometimes still do use filthy sex talk as part of my work as a humorist, and sometimes that includes jokes about children and their rather silly understanding of sexual development. But given our sensitive age, one needs to make damn sure such jokes are funny. One of the original jokes here wasn’t funny enough to withstand repeated readings and has been changed.
Beauty is Imperfection 