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Posts Tagged ‘MySpace’

(Originally posted Monday, June 23, 2008 )

TERRE HAUTE, IND (AP)–April Wilkerson was visiting her grandmother one night last May when she heard disconcerting sounds coming from Grandma Trudy’s bedroom. At first, she was worried that it might be an intruder or some kind of wild animal. To her utter horror, she discovered that her beloved grandmother was performing the act of sexual intercourse with a man she knew from the soda counter at the five and dime.

“I couldn’t believe it,” says April, who is 18 years old. “I have been in therapy ever since. How could this be happening in America?”

Across the nation, American teens like April are becoming increasingly distressed to find that their grandparents are engaging in sexual intercourse, sometimes more than once a month.

“It’s disgusting and immoral,” says Randall David, 17, of Pacific Palisades, Calif. “These are our grandparents we’re talking about. They’re the ones who remember our birthday and give us cookies. To think of them engaging in sex when they can’t possibly reproduce anymore just sickens and depresses me.”

David and Wilkerson recently corresponded by MySpace and have formed an outreach group called “Let’s Stop Old People From Having Sex.” Here they have met many others like them who say that the spread of “geriatric canoodling” is on the rise and is a cause of growing concern.

“What if they, like, die while they’re doing it?” asks Wilkerson. “I mean, they’re old. Anything could happen. I just don’t understand why they would want to even do something like that. You’re supposed to grow out of sex and start knitting or something.”

Marva Wainwright, a sex therapist in Austin, Texas, says that it is often the case that older people continue to have intercourse if they value it, and a recent New England Journal of Medicine study reports that a quarter of those between 75 and 85 were having regular sex. About one third of those said they had given or received oral sex in the last year.

“Uggghhhh!” screamed Wilkerson. “I’m gonna vomit! I can’t believe my freakin’ ears. I mean, it’s OK for teens to have sex, because we’re good looking and all, and our bodies are like, wanting it all the time. But for Grandma Trudy to do something like that … ugh, I can’t even think about that.”

Maribeth Lundegaard, a 17-year-old from Belleville, Kansas, who was recently named student council president at her high school, agreed with her peers.

“Sex is a serious topic,” says Lundegaard. “It is not only a matter of personal freedom, but a matter of social responsibility and personal morality that every person must give serious thought to before engaging in. That is why, as a teen, I have taken serious precautions and talked about my choices responsibly with a doctor. However, old people having sex is just disgusting.”

Asked about her sexual behavior, Wilkerson’s grandmother Gertrude Stuyvesant said, “MYOB. Mind your own beeswax. … April’s birthday is September 27.”

“Listen,” said David, “I love my Grandpa Dwayne. And he used to tell me lots of stories of being serviced in Mexico in the 1940s. But those were different times. He’s got to stop having sex right now. He doesn’t know what it could do. It’s like they told us in school … it could mess up your future.”

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MySpace Questionnaire

(Originally posted Friday, January 18, 2008 )

I don’t spend enough time answering MySpace questionnaires. Probably because these are the kind of answers I would give:

1.How long do you spend in the shower?
An hour after I’ve killed a man.

2. Name something a football player wears under his uniform.
Nipple clamps

3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield.
A dead otter

4. Name something a man might buy before a date.
Dental insurance

5. What’s another word for blemish?
Supperating carbuncle

6. Name a food often cooked in the microwave.
Raw wolverine

7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving.
Emotional baggage.

8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman.
The protein

9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner.
Tells racist jokes

10. Name a kind of test you cannot study for
A litmus test

11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for.
Cunnilingus

12. Name a phrase with the word ‘Home’ in it.
“Home is where I buried the bodies.”

13. Name a sport where players lose teeth.
A human-eating contest among a school of sharks

14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student’s day.
Give them a golden shower

15. What is a way you can tell someone has been crying?
His tears are washing the blood off his mouth

16. Name something found at a seance.
Spirits, ghosts, angels, Jesus, unicorns, Rainbow Brite, Jackie Kennedy, aliens and the Pillsbury Doughboy

17. Name a bird you wouldn’t want to eat.
A jail bird

18. Name something that gets folded.
Ben Folds Five. Manifolds. O.J. in prison.

19. Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it.
Courtney Love

20. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it.
Life

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Hello WordPress Readers!

This is my first post on WordPress.com. Many of these articles were first published at MySpace.com/ericandsalo.

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