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Posts Tagged ‘Glenn Beck’

What’s On TV Tonight, Oct. 20

Posted in Film & TV, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2009| Leave a Comment »

2 CBS
According to TMZ, David Letterman’s Top 10’s lately seem more like Top 5’s.

2 CBS
“NCIS Los Angeles”: A routine procurement fraud case has everybody falling asleep at their desks this week.

2 CBS
“Criminal Minds”: Cannibalistic vivisectionist serial killer plays scat games on pregnant women; Rossi makes funny small talk about divorce lawyers.

3 ABC
Dancing Under Criminal Indictment

3 ABC
“Shark Tank”: This week, an entrepreneur pitches a new business idea–a black box that you put one dollar into and ten new dollars magically come out the other end. It’s called a hedge fund and how it works is none of your fucking business.

4 NBC
“The Biggest Loser: Existential Crisis.” This year’s theme is, “If I do not eat trans fats, starches and high fructose corn syrup, do I exist?”

10 CNN
Reality TV show amateur scientist Richard Heene unveils his elaborate new invention: the Bipolar Media Manipulator

13 Telemundo
A show whose English title translates to, “Those poor parents, they are so stupid!”

14 Fox
“The Angels can bite my ass.”

20 Discovery Kids
Richard Heene hoped to get his family on The Learning Channel, but now it looks as if he’s going to be on a very special episode of “Trading Spaces.”

22 CNBC
Book Chat: “‘This Is Just You And Me Talking Here’ And Other Famous Slang Phrases of White Collar Criminals”

23 HBO
“Cathouse: Al Dente”: These girls have their own HBO show, for chrissakes. Won’t somebody put them in an ambulance and send them to the god damned orthodontist?

24 E! Entertainment Television
“The Girls Next Door”: Advanced cloning techniques used in the pursuit of building better girlfriends for Hugh Hefner fail abjectly when the new clones turn out to be stupider than ever.

25 Headline News
If Nancy Grace has to make fun of your stutter, your pimples and your wheelchair to make her point, she’s not afraid to do it.

26 Bravo
“The Real Housewives of Conjugal Visit Trailer No. 7” These castrating harpy fishwives are all blonde, tan and broke and they don’t like that tone in your voice.

27 Bloomberg News
Goldman Sachs becomes the darling of Wall Street once again as it shows how effortlessly it can print money for its own employees.

28 Fox News
Americans watch enthralled in slack-jawed silence for hours as a silverish gas bag floats on high over the airwaves with nothing more in it than thin, suspect material that is poorly taped together, only to find out that it is actually the work of a publicity whore whose plangent appeals to viewer emotion are the scurrilous work of a hack actor. But let’s stop talking about Glenn Beck for a moment and get back to that Richard Heene guy. That guy’s going to jail big time!

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You Don’t Want To Go There, Says D.C. Protester

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , , on September 18, 2009| Leave a Comment »

Washington, D.C. (API) Shelly McAdams, a 9/12 protester from Barnwell, South Carolina, was marching along with thousands of others last Friday to rally against what she saw as the overreach of federal government when suddenly a reporter asked her a question that made her blood boil.

“Don’t go there,” she said to a reporter who asked her if the health care legislation currently in the Congress might bring affordable health insurance to millions of Americans. “I was a nurse for 20 years. I had people puking on me. There was blood and vomit and brain and skull and kneecaps all over the place. Don’t even start talking about that.”

McAdams had come exhorted by Glenn Beck to fight the creeping threat of fascism and socialism and communism. When told that many of those political philosophies were incompatible and stemmed from different schools of economic and social thought, she raised a big index finger in the air covered with acrylic nail polish.

“Now you just stop right there,” she said, as her nostrils briskly dilated and the hair on her ears stood up, “You don’t want to bring up that stuff with me because my step-daughter came from Korea and she ate out of trash cans. You can’t even say the word communism to me because I might start spitting blood right now if you ever remotely decide to go there. That is an off-limits topic for me because I know first hand that pain she felt when she told me about it second hand.”

McAdams, who was holding a sign up that said, “Sean Hannetie [sic] for president,” was then asked if other government actions by the previous administration, like the invasion of Iraq, codified approval of torture and illegal wiretapping, might have merited more of a protest than a simple change in health care policy.

“Now you just wait one minute!” McAdams said, a yellow-purple phlebitis jumping around from her neck to her face. “I don’t know if you know who you’re speaking to, but my grandfather was on the beaches of Normandy and he fought for this country. So I hope I’m just deaf and you didn’t even dare bring up something army related. If I thought for a minute you were putting down my grandpappy’s service on that sandy hell-hole, making the ultimate sacrifice for those Frenchies, well I’d be so angry that I might start sneezing pink-colored phlegm through my eye sockets!”

McAdams went on a stammering tirade about several other things having to do with taking her country back and bailouts and Ted Kennedy.

“Oh boy, you do not want to talk to me about Ted Kennedy. My second cousin Maybell drowned in 1962. I take that very personal that Chappaquiddick business. If you even bring that up, it’s like you’re hitting me in the genitals with a shovel and I’ll have no choice but to fight back.”

McAdams was also wearing a shirt that said, “We want a Christian president, not a Muslim.”

When asked whether she thought the libertarian message of Beck was possibly at odds with the demand for a Christian president, McAdams’ eyes rolled back in her head, and a sap-colored fluid started to come out of her ears.

“You did not just attack the Baby Jesus I hope. Don’t deny you did it. Oh my God … if you were even for two seconds to go near the topic of the Baby Jesus, well I’d be fully justified in pulling out a gun because that’s just a personal, off-limits topic. I’d be so angry that I’d go blind and a little alien creature might just start coming out of my stomach with sharp teeth and that creature would eat all of you alive.”

When asked if her grandchild was enjoying the nice weather, McAdams dropped down on all fours and said,

“That’s it. You elite liberal media types have gone too far when you bring my special needs baby into this. Oh my God I’m having a stroke or an aneurysm. I swallo ma ton….floffle floflle bizzle bozzle mum mum mum mum…..”

When asked if maybe she was not understanding the true nature of the debate she was having or what exactly she was protesting, McAdams jumped down in the mud and began rolling and whining and kicking with her 12-year-old dachshund Joe.

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Obama Speech To Children Might Encourage More Black Kids To Become President, Critics Say

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , on September 8, 2009| Leave a Comment »

Washington, D.C. (API) As President Barack Obama gears up to deliver an address aimed directly at the nation’s schoolchildren on Tuesday, critics are already blasting away at the idea, which they say might have the unintended adverse effect of encouraging more black children to run for president.

“This speech to children is just a travesty,” said commentator Glenn Beck. “I can’t believe he would try to talk directly to our children. Barack Obama is a racist.”

Many opponents of the speech, including the chairman of the Republican Party of Florida, Jim Greer, said that Obama’s speech was meant to “indoctrinate” students, clearly meaning that young black children might take the wrong example by having a black president speak to them from such a large and impressive pulpit. One of the most powerful positions in the world. One of such considerable prestige, influence and responsibility that it stirs great tremulous fear in every soul.

“I am absolutely appalled that taxpayer dollars are being used to spread President Obama’s socialist ideology,” said Greer, a thinly veiled but obvious reference to Obama’s skin color, which is black.

Many Republican leaders agreed that there could be little positive outcome from such a speech, as there had been in the past when Presidents Reagan, Bush and Clinton spoke directly to children about their liberties and responsibilities as citizens of a free nation. The innocuous text of the speech itself, which opponents forced the White House to publish on the Internet, explains very clearly that children should stay in school and be good citizens, a message that has left no doubt in the mind of detractors: Obama is a black man speaking to children.

“I am just speechless with rage,” said Mary Worthington, a shopper in Concord, New Hampshire. “The absolute appalling arrogance of this man to manipulate the media this way and try to bend pliable young minds with his ‘I am a black man talking out loud’ message–that’s just too much for me to bear.” Worthington said she was so angry she just couldn’t talk about it anymore.

Political analysts, pundits and talking heads were keeping their index fingers to the wind Monday night to gauge how much damage Obama might have done to himself by eliciting such an outpouring of rage.

“It’s too soon to say whether Obama has buried himself politically,” said Dane Zweibel, an analyst at the American Business Institute. “I know he thought he was doing a positive thing with his message. However, I don’t think he realized the unintended effects it would have on black children watching. Now, any of them think they can run for president. I think it’s important that Americans have stood up this way to show the nation’s black children once and for all exactly what they can expect if they try to express themselves in any way, shape or form.”

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