Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Wednesday, February 11, 2009)

What more complicated emotions are we now seeing more of on greeting cards?

–*Thanks for not coming to my birthday party. Drop dead.

–*My boob isn’t a can of beer. Be more gentle in the future. And Happy Valentine’s Day.

–*I’m sorry that your horrible tragedy doesn’t make me like you any better.

–*I’m so sorry I’ve put both of us in the awkward position of having to acknowledge your loss.

–*You’re not getting any of my money.

–*I’m sorry there’s no greeting I can comfort you with since I’m a staunch nihilist.

–*On this Valentine’s Day, let’s remind each other that even though we’re in love, we both probably have vastly different ideas about what that means, and so the whole thing is likely to end horribly, but let’s give ourselves points for trying.

–*I’m suing you for assault and battery.

–*Thanks for being a good enough friend to not tell me how you really feel.

–*I know I don’t know you, but I’m new at the office and they ordered me to sign your birthday card anyway to ingratiate myself with the chief administrative assistant. But as long as we’re here, tell me: Who are you and what do you look like?

–*Congratulations on graduating and becoming exactly what your mother wanted you to be.

–*Happy birthday and I can no longer be friends with you as long as you’re seeing that guy.

–*We’re sure your cat is in heaven or in an acceptable politically correct place you would like us to wish her to be.

–*You suck, respectfully.