Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Sunday, January 04, 2009)

What are some of the most popular New Year’s resolutions?

–*To not be so extreme about our emotions when we’re bombing civilians.

–*To not rush into another marriage with Uma Thurman.

–*To admit to myself that dressing up the dog won’t fix my childhood.

–*To kill people who use dangling infinitives.

–*To try and extend those long quiet moments before I require more drama to at least 10 minutes.

–*To go on a hunger strike until they’ve put the Hudson Brothers show back into syndication

–*To use powers of intense concentration to make my sperm swim faster

–*To become Shia LaBeouf and replace all other Shia LaBeoufs

–*To flip over a table at the end of the music video to show that something has really changed

–*To stop relying on emotional crutches like anti-depressants and my colostomy bag

–*To finally do something about this 12-year-old, hard-to-close abdominal wound

–*To revive my career and become the Winona Ryder that America loves again

–*To stop inhibiting Gretchen Mol’s career with my constant barrage of negative mental energy.

–*To eat 50 eggs.

–*To give something back to the world by paying for more of the porn I watch.

–*To reduce my carbon footprint by destroying my neighbor’s car.

–*To respect the secrecy of the best-selling book “The Secret” by not reading it.

–*To dance!

–*To kill the hostages.

–*To build a bridge to my inevitable non-existence with hours and hours of television.

–*To eat and eat like a motherfucker.