(Originally posted Thursday, January 08, 2009)
What new inventions can you find in “Sky Mall”?
–*A water bed with Siamese fighting fish in it
–*A paper towel dispenser that alerts you when you’ve taken out too many towels and so have become a threat to the environment and an asshole
–*An anal whistle that turns flatulence into the works of Chopin and Brahms.
–*A black light that recognizes a teenager’s cooties.
–*A black light that recognizes Mickey Rourke’s cooties
–*A self-cleaning baseball
–*Rib scissors
–*Pumpkin mallets
–*Special makeup to hide your muffin top
–*A vacuum that allows you to suck things you don’t like off a pizza
–*A vacuum that allows you to suck things you don’t like out of the Bible
–*The “slanket”: a blanket with sleeves
–*The “slondom”: a condom with sleeves
–*The “clam”: a dental dam with eye holes and breathing tube
–*The New Testament in pill form
–*A special skin implant that converts phone text messages from your friends into physical pain
–*The portable recompression tent for impulsive lobster divers
–*Special speech boxes that allow your cat to speak to you in Aramaic
–*The “pointless electrical arc-making machine.”
–*A special device that allows you to steal electricity in Mexico or Flint, Michigan
–*A magnetic field device that turns wine into undrinkable vinegar in two minutes
–*A “penis and testicle diversion canal” for closed-leg subway and bus situations
–*Touch-free soap dispensers, towel dispensers, ovens, TV controls, keyboards, silverware, trash cans and doorknobs for obsessive compulsive types
–*And alternatively, gadgets with lots of needless buttons for those who are polymorphously perverse
–*A fog-free mirror for you to look at your idle, bourgeois life in.
Beauty is Imperfection 
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