Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Thursday, January 08, 2009)

What new inventions can you find in “Sky Mall”?

–*A water bed with Siamese fighting fish in it

–*A paper towel dispenser that alerts you when you’ve taken out too many towels and so have become a threat to the environment and an asshole

–*An anal whistle that turns flatulence into the works of Chopin and Brahms.

–*A black light that recognizes a teenager’s cooties.

–*A black light that recognizes Mickey Rourke’s cooties

–*A self-cleaning baseball

–*Rib scissors

–*Pumpkin mallets

–*Special makeup to hide your muffin top

–*A vacuum that allows you to suck things you don’t like off a pizza

–*A vacuum that allows you to suck things you don’t like out of the Bible

–*The “slanket”: a blanket with sleeves

–*The “slondom”: a condom with sleeves

–*The “clam”: a dental dam with eye holes and breathing tube

–*The New Testament in pill form

–*A special skin implant that converts phone text messages from your friends into physical pain

–*The portable recompression tent for impulsive lobster divers

–*Special speech boxes that allow your cat to speak to you in Aramaic

–*The “pointless electrical arc-making machine.”

–*A special device that allows you to steal electricity in Mexico or Flint, Michigan

–*A magnetic field device that turns wine into undrinkable vinegar in two minutes

–*A “penis and testicle diversion canal” for closed-leg subway and bus situations

–*Touch-free soap dispensers, towel dispensers, ovens, TV controls, keyboards, silverware, trash cans and doorknobs for obsessive compulsive types

–*And alternatively, gadgets with lots of needless buttons for those who are polymorphously perverse

–*A fog-free mirror for you to look at your idle, bourgeois life in.