Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Sunday, June 15, 2008 )

2 CBS
“The Ghost Patronizer”: A new show about a pretty blonde medium who talks to spirits, though they don’t like her because they think she’s shallow.

3 NBC
SNL does a repackaging, “The Best of Michael O’Donoghue” that refuses to patronize you by making you laugh but instead sticks a thumb into the eye of your bourgeois, potato-eating vulgar sensibilities. No, I’m sorry. It’s the “Best of Gary Kroeger.” Mix up!

4 ABC
Your regular coy, string-plucking female dick joke show isn’t on tonight. It’s the NBA finals. So put a tack in it, skirt.

7 The Prayer Network
Reality Armageddon: Our camera crews are there as sinful humanity finally succumbs to the rapture and the sinners drink their own blood in the streets and watch their own children be borne up skewered on the horn of the beast. Brought to you by Tide.

8 CW
“Girly Girls”: Sally fights with Muff over Bitzi’s confrontation with Peanut at the spray-tan salon. Lots of IPhones used.

20 Biography
Hmmmm. This is supposed to be a documentary channel, and yet there are a lot of ghost shows. Evidently, stupid people are a self-organizing force, and they have organized themselves around this channel the way ants organize regiments around the queen, changing the structure of the channel to their idiotic taste in a kind of negative/positive feedback process. Fascinating.

25 Discovery Health
“Dr. G: Medical Examiner”: This episode ends pretty quickly, as Dr. G is pretty sure this gang member was simply shot in the head. “This one’s pretty much an eggs and coffee job,” he says.

26 DIY
A pioneering bachelor in Kentucky finds an innovative way to masturbate by shoving two pillows together.

27 TruTV
Forensic Files: A woman is found dead in a creek, wrapped in the plush comfort of the amazing new Lexus SUV with rack and pinion steering and anti-lock brakes

28 Disney
Hannah Montana learns all about kissing from her bestest female friend Dilly in a very special and highly satisfying episode.

29 Discovery
“The Deadliest Catch”: The Bering Strait fishermen deal with a tiny nettlesome white crab-a deadly catch that’s a little close to home, if you know what I mean.

30 Lifetime
“Army Wives”: Anal-Erotic Top Chicks Versus Women Who Need Their Femininity Affirmed By Marrying A Man of Exaggerated Masculinity-The Dance Off

31 CMT
Sugar In The Tank: A very metaphorical truck show

32 Animal Planet
“So You Were Attacked By A Wolf. Big Deal.” A show about people who survive an animal attack and then go into a deep suicidal depression when their brief spurt of fame is gone.

33 E! Entertainment Television
“From Eye Candy To Eyesore” A show about the women who have been discarded by George Clooney and then go into a deep suicidal depression when their brief spurt of fame is gone.

33 E! Entertainment
Chelsea Bad Comic Timing

34 Bravo
“The Actor’s Studio”: James Lipton asks Jessica Alba how much she is in control of her sex appeal-specifically if she is doing what she does to men on purpose, and does she mean it to be hurtful, this sinful, provocative prancing around like a tit.

36 Trio
Unscripted fart jokes: The best moments of the 2008 Writer’s Strike

80 HBO
When the fuck is “Flight of the Conchords” coming back? I’m starting to get angry.

81 Showtime
A new show: “Mumbly, Coy, Naked, Hip”

82 Cinemax
A retelling of William Wycherley’s bawdy Restoration picaresque play, “The Country Wife,” abbreviated with 20-minute softcore sex scenes that make the double entendre pretty much unnecessary and beside the point.