(Originally posted Wednesday, May 14, 2008 )
2 CBS
If I thought there were as many serial killers in real life as there are on CBS shows, then I, too, would probably be a home-bound, agoraphobic, paranoid, right-wing, CBS-watching freak.
5 Fox
A very sad “American Idol” when perky contestant David Archuleta, no longer being dominated by his harsh father, and sensing the deterioration of audience interest, loses all guidance and inhibition and moral compass and yells out “Who wants to fuck me now, bitches?” Which is what happens when your dad (and American Idol) keep you a baby for too long. Carrie Underwood will probably do it next.
5 Fox
Hell’s Kitchen: “This is actually a pretty good flambé, you piece of f***ing sh**, stupid a** c*** face mother f**ker.”
7 ABC
Kristi Yamagucci has a terrible fall during “Dancing with the Stars” and sadly has to be euthanized on the dance floor
10 CNN
Hillary Clinton breezes through the West Virginia presidential primary with her new campaign slogan: “I feel your illiteracy.”
14 History
An archaeologist carrying a bullwhip like Indiana Jones inadvertently destroys thousands of ancient potsherds
20 Independent Film Channel
A Mother’s Day treat featuring “Spanking the Monkey,” “Luna,” and “Oedipus Rex.”
21 Telemundo
“Spanking Los Monkeys”: Un hombre disfruta sexo con su madre.”
22 E! Entertainment Television
The Top 10 Celebrity Orifices
23 HBO
Relive the classic ending of “The Sopran …”:
24 Showtime
Tonight on “The Tudors,” lots of stultified melodrama makes sure that English history remains cold, abstract, and uninteresting, but a lot of naked breasts keep things grounded in the here and now.
25 Fox News
If Sean Hannity can outwit John McCain, then just think what the Iranians, Chinese and Russians can do.
26 Lifetime
Movie: A fact-based story about an inspiring female. Not factual. Just fact-based. We made up the parts about the abusive husband, the growing up in poverty and the alcoholism, but the scholarship thing is true.
27 MTV
“Shot at Love With Tila Tequila”: Tonight’s revelation: Tila has smallpox, herpes and scrofula. Still want her?
28 Oxygen
“The Bad Girls Club.” The bad girls realize all of a sudden that they are simply puppets in a controlled sociological experiment, and soon form an enlightened proletariat class-consciousness that allows them to rise up and begin killing members of the TV crew, the producers and members of the audience.
29 Cinemax
Max After Dark Movie: “Naked And Foreclosed Upon”
30 VH-1
A VH-1 special about the sexual revolution that misses most of the intellectual changes going on in the ’60s and mainly focuses on the nudity.
31 We
Women Behind Bars: You might die old in prison, but your caged heat is timeless.
32 Animal Planet
Weird Canary Island Fighting Dog Sex Cults
33 Crosswalk
George W. Bush offers a compelling epistemological insight that “I invade countries, therefore I exist.”
34 Crosswalk 2
… which pretty much sums up history in a nutshell, doesn’t it?
Beauty is Imperfection 
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