(Originally posted Saturday, December 15, 2007)
2 ABC
Everyone on “Lost” has gills
3 CMT
Everyone in Chattanooga has a prehensile tail
4 NBC
Suspended during the writer’s strike, “30 Rock” is pre-empted by a writerless show where people do nothing but grunt and shove, groom and eat lice off each other
5 Fox
America’s Got Rickets
17 History Channel
The History of Nudity
18 A&E
Gene Simmons ends all fights by wagging his enormous tongue lubriciously at his family
20 Democracy Now
Remembering The Free Love Sensibilities of the Totally Unfuckable Anarchist Emma Goldman
21 Discover Health
The Vagina Speaks
22 Oxygen
Your Daughter Just Got Her First Period. Now Slap Her.
23 Discover
Let’s get a tooth pulled in the border town of Reynosa
24 CNN
Repeated loops of lone gunman on a videotape keeps your mind off the sorry state of health care
25 Headline News
Nancy Grace, in the delivery room with twins, screamingly indicts man who did this to her
26 Bloomberg News
It’s nothing but crawls and numbers and blinking lights and a little man talking in the corner, an experience that could be likened only to schizophrenia
27 Logo
Right Girl, Wrong Sex Parts
28 BBC America
Cheek, Dignity, Cheek, Dignity
29 Sundance
Depressing Ken Loach marathon followed by depressing global warming marathon
30 IFC
Kevin Smith: How to overcome incompetence with insufferable cleverness
31 VH-1
You might want to boil this show after you watch it
32 MTV
“The Real World” is off the air after being clumped together and rolled away on the hind feet of shit beetles
33 Food Network
Making the Japanese fat enough to fit into our clothes
34 Univision
I think the man with the beard is the bad guy
35 Fuse
The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black
36 VH-1 Classic
The Voluptuous Horror of the Starland Vocal Band
37 C-SPAN Books
The Voluptuous Horror of Christopher Hitchens
Beauty is Imperfection 
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