(Originally posted Monday, November 19, 2007)
2 CBS
The presidential debates, but you’ll probably be watching Beyonce on some awards show two channels down
4 NBC
Law and Order, Big Mac Attack
5 ABC
Convulsing With the Stars
7 Telemundo
Si! … No! … Si! … No!
8 Univision
Homosexuales? Ay! Dios mio!
10 AMC
Lara Croft and Her Big Brood of Ethiopians
11 Animal Planet
Here we track polar bears while on the Republican presidential debate a few channels down we discuss ways to kill them
12 BET
Movie: A crude farce revolving around sex … you know the drill
13 Bravo
Project Runway: The designers must create body armor for American soldiers in Iraq consisting of nothing but cotton and Velcro and Lucky Strike cigarettes, just the way real soldiers are doing it.
14 Comedy Central
Wo bist du, Dave Chapelle? Wo bist du….
15 Court TV
Everybody’s a Pedophile!
16 Discovery Channel
How To Make Your Weapon the Most Lethal (Assuming You Lived in a Perfect World With No Moral Accountability)
17 ESPN-Classic
Classic Slapping of Face With Glove
18 E! Entertainment
E! True Hollywood Story: Porn star Jenna Jameson is profiled. “Profile me harder,” she screams. “Profile me harder.”
19 Food Network
You don’t have to take Prozac this Thanksgiving. We’ve already given it to the turkey.
20 FLIX
“Legends of the Fall,” the special uncut version, which means the ridiculous last 45 minutes or so have been left in place
21 MTV
A documentary on existentialist filmmaker Ingmar … oh, no, I’m sorry, what I meant to say is that it’s a show where they eat bull penises.
22 National Geographic Channel
Something to Make You Feel Alienated From Sharks, Tigers, Venezuelans and Each Other
23 Lifetime Movie Network
Film: “Making Love Work In A Mobile Home Built Out of Compressed Paper” starring Reba McEntire
23 HBO
“The Wedding Crashers,” almost as funny the 53rd time, we hope, as it was the first time
24 Oxygen
Food and babies and orgasms and psychics and Meg Ryan and everything else you women seem to want shoehorned into one space
25 Spike TV
Robot cars and bikinis and guns and motorcycles and Apache helicopters and everything you men seem to want shoehorned into one space
28 Sundance Channel
Hours of green, green grass.
29 CNN
Larry King: Panelists Gene Simmons and Joan Rivers are starting to look uncannily more and more like each other
30 Hallmark
“Little House on the Prairie”: The director’s cut of the final episode, in which Walnut Grove is laid waste in an extended hour-long scene of Biblical violence and debauchery
31 Golf
No, really. Golf
Beauty is Imperfection 
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