What were some of the highlights of the 2013 Golden Globe Awards?
–*Jodie Foster took 50 years and what seemed like 10 minutes to come out of the closet.
–*In her speech accepting the Cecil B. DeMille award, Foster begged for privacy and then said she was lonely and single and went into excruciating detail about how she liked her lesbian sex.
–*E! Entertainment television’s pre-show noted that the red carpet was thick with highly glamorous possible flu carriers.
–*Salma Hayek’s and Paul Rudd’s inability to improvise during a teleprompter gaffe cost millions of dollars in precious air seconds, time that they must pay back with their lives!
–*To get a Steven Spielberg movie made about him, Abraham Lincoln had to pay for it … with his life!
–*Former president Bill Clinton came to introduce the film Lincoln, about America’s controversial 16th president whose record is very mixed among historians.
–*Lena Dunham proves with her show Girls that if you’re naked a lot, on some level you can’t really be insufferably coy.
–*As we honor President Abraham Lincoln at an awards show, we must wonder if his last thought might have also been, “Hey, this is a pretty good show!”
–*Lena Dunham made a joke about the 2000 Oscars, which means she’s been watching these shows since she was 2.
–*Kanye West breathed a sigh of relief when he saw how badly Taylor Swift can behave at an awards show.
–*Tony Mendez, the hero of the film Argo, made a speech onstage about his Iran mission in very hushed tones, far away from his microphone, leading one to ask: “Did anyone tell Mendez the mission was declassified? They made a movie about it!”
–*Kevin Costner once carried the moral authority of the masculine American on the big screen. But now everybody’s gay and we all think he’s a douche bag.
–*Tommy Lee Jones is a star. But he is a distant star, and when he laughs at a joke, unfortunately we will not see it for 2.5 million years.
–*Tina Fey and Amy Poehler show that when you insult Americans you better be an American, Ricky Gervais.
–*Look, we know Sacha Baron Cohen is making fun of us. The real surprise and delight comes from figuring out how he’s making fun of us. This can take days to work out.
–*Argo proves that Ben Affleck is no fluke as a director. His acting career, however, continues to be a fluke.
–*Zero Dark Thirty has been called controversial by those who say it implicitly supports the American policy of torture. Torture among teenagers is already up 30%, says a worried Ed Asner.
–*Meryl Streep couldn’t be here tonight because being lauded so much has finally made her physically ill.
–*Really, I don’t think I was kidding about that Kanye West thing. If he had a football right now, he’d be spiking it!
–*The Golden Globes has people hotly anticipating the Oscar race now that people know how many good movies accidentally got made last year.