According to TMZ, David Letterman’s Top 10′s lately seem more like Top 5′s.
“NCIS Los Angeles”: A routine procurement fraud case has everybody falling asleep at their desks this week.
“Criminal Minds”: Cannibalistic vivisectionist serial killer plays scat games on pregnant women; Rossi makes funny small talk about divorce lawyers.
Dancing Under Criminal Indictment
“Shark Tank”: This week, an entrepreneur pitches a new business idea–a black box that you put one dollar into and ten new dollars magically come out the other end. It’s called a hedge fund and how it works is none of your fucking business.
“The Biggest Loser: Existential Crisis.” This year’s theme is, “If I do not eat trans fats, starches and high fructose corn syrup, do I exist?”
Reality TV show amateur scientist Richard Heene unveils his elaborate new invention: the Bipolar Media Manipulator
A show whose English title translates to, “Those poor parents, they are so stupid!”
“The Angels can bite my ass.”
20 Discovery Kids
Richard Heene hoped to get his family on The Learning Channel, but now it looks as if he’s going to be on a very special episode of “Trading Spaces.”
Book Chat: “‘This Is Just You And Me Talking Here’ And Other Famous Slang Phrases of White Collar Criminals”
“Cathouse: Al Dente”: These girls have their own HBO show, for chrissakes. Won’t somebody put them in an ambulance and send them to the god damned orthodontist?
24 E! Entertainment Television
“The Girls Next Door”: Advanced cloning techniques used in the pursuit of building better girlfriends for Hugh Hefner fail abjectly when the new clones turn out to be stupider than ever.
25 Headline News
If Nancy Grace has to make fun of your stutter, your pimples and your wheelchair to make her point, she’s not afraid to do it.
“The Real Housewives of Conjugal Visit Trailer No. 7″ These castrating harpy fishwives are all blonde, tan and broke and they don’t like that tone in your voice.
27 Bloomberg News
Goldman Sachs becomes the darling of Wall Street once again as it shows how effortlessly it can print money for its own employees.
28 Fox News
Americans watch enthralled in slack-jawed silence for hours as a silverish gas bag floats on high over the airwaves with nothing more in it than thin, suspect material that is poorly taped together, only to find out that it is actually the work of a publicity whore whose plangent appeals to viewer emotion are the scurrilous work of a hack actor. But let’s stop talking about Glenn Beck for a moment and get back to that Richard Heene guy. That guy’s going to jail big time!