–*Snooki of the reality show Jersey Shore dies in bizarre a pre-show red carpet appearance after somebody accidentally pours salt on her.
–*Steven Tyler sings a musical version of his cease and desist order against his band mates in Aerosmith who would dare think to continue without him.
–*Lady Gaga arrives dressed as the Solar System. Scientists on the red carpet criticize her inclusion of Pluto, while Joan Rivers says she looks like Uranus.
–*American Idol sensation Larry Platt sings his surprise hit songs, “My Pants Are On the Ground,” “Help I Need Insulin,” “I Haven’t Eaten In Three Days,” and “What Are You Laughing At, I Just Said I Haven’t Eaten in Three Days.”
–*Lady Gaga dresses like an outrageous cross between a white tiger and a Lincoln Towncar.
–*To outdo her performance last year, when she performed while pregnant, the artist M.I.A. this year breaks water onstage.
–*Lady Gaga dresses like a suppurating appendix.
–*Stephen Colbert keeps the ceremony loose by reminding us its OK to laugh and to dislike tonight’s Grammy-nominated music.
–*Colbert makes a joke at Susan Boyle’s expense. Since she isn’t at the Grammys in person, it’s safe to say we’re laughing at her not with her.
–*3-D “Grammy Glasses” handed out before the show allow viewers at home to be literally surrounded in mediocrity.
–*Michael Jackson is remembered for the spunk he put in every adult and child.
–*Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies,” beats out the Beatles, Shakespeare, quantum physics and Darwin’s work on the evolution of the species as the apex of human achievement as far as Kanye West is concerned.
–*Taylor Swift is blonde.
–*The Black Eyed Peas debut their new song, “I’mma Drop M’ Vowls.”
–*Lady Gaga and Elton John appear covered in soot, spermaceti wax, No. 5 viscosity motor oil, cheese whiz, Gerber baby food and anything else we can throw at them.