Christmas, as you know if you’re a regular Fox News viewer as I am, is under attack. From the streets of Tulsa where holiday parades have been renamed, to Texas classrooms where little girls writing paeans to Jesus are removed from class, to New York City, where some school halls have been decked out with pagan items like menorahs, the battle against the Christian religion has been joined, and the dismantling of our official national religion has begun. You are probably asking yourself, how is it that I, as a Christian, am always being persecuted? Why it’s almost as if somebody gave us a persecution complex!
Everywhere you look these days we suffer religions repression as Christians. We no longer are allowed to say “Merry Christmas” to each other in front of those 1,000 foot Christmas trees at the mall. We are made to feel embarrassed when we hang 200 foot crosses on our skyscrapers in the middle of Manhattan. Our “Merry Christmas” cards are being moved over exactly six inches to the side to make room for “Happy Holiday” cards, or worse, or even something in Hebrew, which has nothing to do with Jesus whatsoever. If you look hard enough, and by hard enough I mean if you call up numerous churches in the southern states asking specifically of anything out of the ordinary, you are bound to find somebody who writes a blog who claims he was personally persecuted for his religious beliefs.
Things have gotten so far out of hand with political correctness that even the Texas House of Representatives has fallen under the leadership of a well-known Jew. How, you might ask, could this happen at Christmas, the holiday we Protestants invented?
The watchwords for the new age are “diversity” and “multiculturalism.” These used to be innocent words–it simply meant that Christians, Jews, Africans and Muslims could all live freely and celebrate Christmas together. However, something has happened to those innocent words, perhaps something we could associate with the immigration of more non-Christian Mexicans into our country. Diversity now means acknowledging other people’s absurd magical beliefs at a time of year we’re supposed to be acknowledging Jesus’ virgin birth. If you, like me, are a Christian, you know that acknowledging other people this way is impossible and will get you an eternity of having bleeding-eyed Mollochs and fire-farting demons shove torches of flaming pitch into your ass all the way up to breakfast. Obviously, acknowledging other people’s beliefs always means destroying your own.
Think about it. East Berlin would have been no kind of city at all without a big fence to keep everybody in. I like to think of Christmas the same way. A little East Berlin walled off from other cultures with fantastic green and red bows garlanding the barbed concertina wire.
But you must remember, as a Christian, that as a newly persecuted individual, you are actually in your element. I dug into the library the other night and did a bit of research. There I found a little-known movie called “The Passion of the Christ.” Evidently, Jesus did quite a bit of suffering himself. In fact, there is a long history of people whipping, flagellating, scourging and wearing hairshirts to show their thanks and understanding of Jesus’ sacrifice.
The best way for you to preserve Christmas in the face of this onslaught is to buy a big tree that you can hang lights on. I like to call it a “Defiance Tree.” You can also buy red and green wrapping paper and wrap within them “Defiance Gifts.” Put brightly colored sequencing lights around your house as a signal to everybody that you are angry about the way Christmas has been demonized. Nobody else is likely doing this. Put a nativity scene in front of your house. Nobody is doing that either. Go to Christmas parties and drink lots of eggnog spiked with rum and yell very loudly that the party is likely going to be outlawed soon. And most important, you should watch Fox News at all times, because only this channel is keeping the guttering flame of Christmas alive. That and maybe the fourth hour of the Today show.
Remember: There’s no “Happy holidays” mealy mouthing here! Make an East Berlin of your heart and fight back against the attack on Christmas whenever you can. When we have won back our holiday and our culture, Christmas will go back to being about what it’s always been about in the past:
Fighting with your family.