What are some of the spring 2010 trends currently popping up during New York’s Fashion Week?
–*Sharp-shouldered silhouettes are in vogue, replacing last year’s ultra-hot potato sacks
–*This year’s party dresses are vibrant and should have the blood of a freshly killed animal on them.
–*Last year, wide belts made you look like a genius. This year they make you look like a retard.
–*Metallic zippers on black fabric make a bold statement, even more so if it is Vera Wang’s patented “cootchie zipper.”
–*Laser cut patterns are in, and according to your taste, can make you look like you’ve just fallen out of a either a sausage grinder or a paper shredder
–*Last year’s ruffles recalled exotic sea creatures. This year’s ruffles should recall bottom-feeding arthropods.
–*This year has seen the return of beige–the kind of beige you see painted on the wall of immigration offices
–*Last year was butterfly appliqués on tulle. This year it’s mosquitoes trapped in wire mesh.
–*This year’s couture dresses will look stupid if you’re not constantly puckering.
–*You will always get attention by hanging on to that blue dress covered with semen.
–*This year’s broader shoulders demand that you accessorize with a statement necklace, a garnet brooch or a syringe full of hydrocortisone.
–*Three words: Orthopedic kitten heels.
–*A mix of beige, olive drab and natural dun and taupe colors will protect you when you are being shot at by enemy combatants in Central Asia.
–*”Harem pants” is a great way to not have to say “mom jeans.”
–*Cinch your waistline with a giant bow, and if that doesn’t feel silly enough, wrap yourself in fishing tackle festooned with live bait
–*Be sure to wear tiny, tiny micro stripes if the impression you want to make is to give somebody an epileptic fit.
–*Be sure to wear Christmas lights in your hair if you want to look like somebody’s mother.
–*This year’s bandeau top will look all the more impressive if you’re also carrying an Uzi or a 9 mm Glock.
–*There’s no need to have a clutch with a sequined dress, because sooner or later, you’ll fool some idiot into buying the drinks for you.
–*Be bold and show off your unyielding dedication to metal gussets by eating them.