(Originally posted Monday, July 21, 2008 )
Hey males! Have you ever found yourself having a fight with your girlfriend or wife and unable to deal with her coy, stubborn, wily female obstinacy? Well we here at the Harvey Keitel-Marlon Brando-Mickey Rourke School of Couples Therapy have come up with all sorts of gambits for you to handle it the next time you are feeling emasculated by your spouse at the grocery store, the park, a bowling alley or at a children’s birthday party.
Before we begin, just fill out this questionnaire and soon you will be able to find a cool, masculine way to show your validity, empathy, and sensitivity — and more important, to comfortably assert yourself in a way that will make her beg for your manly scent.
Just answer these questions, and find out if the school is right for you:
When your wife argues that you have not cleaned the kitchen in months, what do you do?
a) Look at the floor and be mumbly and non-committal.
b) Whine and continue to watch TV.
c) Wiggle your eyebrow up and down, slowly, as if you are about to explode in an act of unspeakable violence, then take a big drink of water and whisper: “Are you talking to me?”
Your girlfriend wants you to spend some time talking about her day, but you want to watch football. What do you do?
a) Go in the bathroom and shut the door and stay in there for an hour.
b) Indulge her but think about something else while she talks.
c) Slowly crush open a hard boiled egg. When the shell has fallen off, hold the egg up and ask her if she knows it’s a symbol of the soul. Then put the entire egg in your mouth and eat it.
Your wife wants to go to Paris and you want to go to Miami for the big game. What do you do?
a) Compromise and agree to go to Paris if she will go to a few home games with you.
b) Tell her you can take separate vacations as a way to both assert your individuality and your separateness.
c) Roll your tongue around, strip naked, lay your genitals on the hardwood floor and say “We’re only going to talk monkey talk now. Ooo ooo ooo! Ah ah ah!”
Your wife wants to save 15% of your incomes to put in a 401k and you want a plasma TV. When she folds her arms and says you’re crazy, what do you do?
a) Start siphoning money out of the account secretly.
b) Give her the money and content yourself with Internet porn.
c) Read her an improvised poem you wrote about making love to a moose in the wilderness and then killing it and eating it.
Your girlfriend wants you to meet her parents but you don’t think you’d like them. What do you do?
a) Go ahead and meet them and acknowledge this as an important new step in the development of your relationship.
b) Tell her that even though you hope to take that step in the future, you feel the relationship is still young and it is too soon to introduce the dynamics of outsiders.
c) Take take a rose off the kitchen table and start eating it.
Your girlfriend thinks that you’re not interested in her friends. What do you do?
a) Let her know that you two must be allowed to be separate people, too, as well as a couple, so that you can assert your own identities.
b) Go along with her friends and try to brush it off when they tell emasculating jokes.
c) Writhe around like a giant spastic colon.
Your wife is mad that you grabbed the remote and seemed to have broken something on the television. What do you do?
a) Let her know it wasn’t intentional and that she should not project her anger onto you.
b) Tell her that you are glad the TV is off so now you will be able to relate more to each other.
c) Ejaculate in Nicole Kidman’s hair.
Your girlfriend wants to move in, but you’re not sure. What do you do?
a) Tell her that it’s fine by you, because you’re willing to take a chance on love.
b) Tell her that most people who live together unmarried first often get a divorce later because the tentativeness with which you approached the relationship created commitment problems later.
c) Run your hands over the uncooked pot roast and say “Look how they messed up my boy.”
Your wife says you are aloof and hard to get to know. What do you do?
a) Tell her that you will try to be more open because her love is worth it.
b) Explain to her that men learn very early to hide their feelings, since most of their earliest impulses in childhood development, such as sexual drive and territoriality, are shunned during social conditioning.
c) Drink an entire bottle of wine, play bongos and ask her to put a stick of butter up your ass.
Your wife says she wants a baby and you are unsure. What do you do?
a) Tell her that having a child is a great responsibility and you want to make sure you are mature enough to handle it before tackling it.
b) Let her have the baby and then blame the child later for not accomplishing everything you wanted to do in life.
c) Let out a belch and say “When I made love to the rook, it was already dead.”
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