(Originally posted Thursday, February 21, 2008 )
2008 Presidential Election Multiple Choice Quiz
1. Recent disclosures that John McCain had a close relationship with a female lobbyist during his 2000 presidential election will:
a) Hurt McCain’s reputation among those who believe him to be a principled, candidate who stands on ethics and scruples in his campaigning
b) Blow up in the face of those who floated the story, creating sympathy for McCain among those who smell a Monica Lewinsky-type smear campaign against a good man; and thus give him an even stronger edge in November.
c) Will cause Viagra sales to boom, leading to many people’s discovery of the much touted Viagra “blue flash”
2. In tonight’s presidential debate in Texas, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama hedged previous comments about normalizing relations with Cuba. Obama said he would:
a) Try to engage in talks with Cuba, goading the small island toward Democracy with carrot and stick measures.
b) Wait until the country bans restrictions on the press and releases political prisoners before opening a dialogue
c) Create an open door policy to Raul Castro, Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, Daniel Ortega, Ho Chi Minh, Che Guevara, and other revolutionary leaders to start the United States down the inexorable path toward collectivization and socialism, frog marching land owners and business leaders into agrarian re-education camps.
3. Hillary Clinton’s campaign has recently said Barack Obama plagiarized some passages from a speech made by his friend, and during the debate in Texas, she called Barack’s message “change you can Xerox.” When this line failed to make an impression with the audience, Hillary added:
a) Sorry, Bill wrote that
b) You’re all sexists!
c) That was a joke! I’ll be in town all week. Please tip your waitress.
4. Hillary Clinton has been lauded recently for her willingness to show emotion on the campaign trail by shedding tears. What has she said while crying?
a) “This race is just too important.”
b) “You’re all so fucking stupid.”
d) “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a country, asking it to love her.”
5. Many people would like to see Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama together on a ticket. What is more likely to happen?
a) A camel will walk through the eye of a needle
b) Your cat will start talking in iambic pentameter
c) Herpes will be cured with a clever mixture of vinegar, Windex and Pine-Sol
6. What are the big differences between Hillary Clinton’s and Barack Obama’s universal health care plans?
a) Obama’s plan would allow some people to opt out while Hillary Clinton’s plan would mandate that everybody pays in.
b) Hillary’s plan could subsidize the insurance industry by allowing it to set prices for products you are required to buy
c) I’m a Republican and I stopped listening because I knew they were talking about “socialized medicine” and that was the official Republican “off” switch to my brain.
7. A new CNN diagnostic tool tests viewer reaction to candidate’s answers by measuring:
a) The number of hits on a button labeled “positive”
b) Galvanic skin response
c) An electroencephalogram
8. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama’s positions in immigration differ in what ways?
a) Hillary is totally dedicated to that half of a stupid fence she voted to help build.
b) Obama is only somewhat dedicated to that stupid, nonsensical completely useless one-half of a stupid fence that has been built.
c) Both Obama and Hillary are completely dedicated to the real issue of immigration, which is winking coyly at the right wing by giving them a completely unworkable fence that ignores enormous socio-economic realities but somehow keeps their dumb asses happy, while meanwhile the candidates work on a rational path to citizenship that immigrants and business owners and non-xenophobes are all happy with.
9. Obama is dedicated to keeping the nation’s military the strongest in the world by:
a) training the military properly
b) giving the military proper tools
c) helping the military put its boots on and pull up its underwear
d) not doing anything to directly hinder the military such as giving the military wrong phone numbers and wrong directions and lying to the military about what time he will meet the military for lunch.
10. To prove that they are friends and not engaging in a backbiting smear campaign, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in their Texas debate:
a) Shook hands
c) Soul kissed
d) Did the reverse cowgirl followed by missionary
11. Why is the New York Times the biggest enemy of conservatives?
a) It has shown a consistent liberal bias against conservative values and Republicans in particular.
b) It has shown a willingness to reveal American governmental secrets in times of war
c) Frank Rich was too hard on the Broadway musical production “Oh, Kay”
12. Why does Rush Limbaugh have a problem with John McCain?
a) McCain believes in global warming
b) He’s against torture
c) McCain is a smart conservative, and Limbaugh has done much better by narrowcasting to idiot mouth breathers