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Archive for February, 2009

Things Spock Would Say

(Originally posted Tuesday, September 09, 2008 )

–*Judging by the pricing of the prostitutes, I believe we are in 19th century Argentina, Captain.

–*Judging by the poor value of the meat, I believe we are in Santa Rosa in 2002, Captain.

–*Women don’t tell the truth, Dr. McCoy.

–*I must mate or die.

–*It is not logical. And yet I’m looking at it.

–*To hunt a species to extinction is not logical.

–*To exhaust energy playing gridiron football is not logical.

–*The odds of survival are 8,426.7 to one, but I cannot be more sure than that.

–*I have subdued the identical replicas by using a double negative, Captain.

–*Why would a human compare shoe polish with excrement, Captain?

–*Drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge would have very little effect on commodity oil prices, Dr. McCoy.

–*The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, Captain. Can you hold that elevator for us?

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(Originally posted Monday, September 08, 2008 )

“Fannie Mae” + “Freddie Mac”

“Fannie Mae” + “Freddie Mac” + bailout

“Fannie Mae” + “Freddie Mac” + bailout + “cheering Asians”

“Fannie Mae” + “Freddie Mac” + bailout + “cheering Asian creditors”

“Daniel Radcliffe” + Equus + naked + penis + Broadway

Chinese + “American debt” + “buying by the bucketload”

Why are the Chinese buying American debt?

Who owns America?

“Foreign holdings” + “U.S. Treasury securities” + “$2.6 trillion”

“Harry Potter” + naked

“Why do Americans borrow so much?”

U.S. + “consume more than produce”

U.S. + SUV + “plasma TV”

Materialism + psychology + insecurity

“Bob Woodward” + “new book” + Bush + “slow to react”

“George Bush” + Iraq + “ignored joint chiefs”

Bush + surge + “right wing think tanks” + “radical cultists”

“Sarah Palin” + MILF

“Sarah Palin” + “five kids” + “dog and pony show”

“Ronald Reagan” + “supply side economics” + “Laffer curve” + “tax cuts pay for themselves”

“Ronald Reagan” + “supply side economics” + “Laffer curve” + “tax cuts pay for themselves” + silly + unproven + 1980s + “quadrupled debt”

“Arctic Wildlife Refuge” + “oil drilling” + “energy independence”

“oil prices” + “Not determined by imports” + “determined by oil dependence in general”

“drill at home movement” + extremists + “flag-waving mouth-breathers” + “totally ignorant about commodity pricing”

“Sarah Palin” + “wildly popular in Alaska”

“Sarah Palin” + “wildly popular in Alaska” + “oil dividends” + “paid to residents” + “Republican oil company welfare state”

“Republican Convention” and “9/11 tribute” and “bad taste”

“Sarah Palin” + creationist + “book burning” + “fires employees”

“Hurricane Ike”

“Hurricane Ike” + deforestation

“Hurricane Ike” + deforestation + mudslides + “massive flooding”

Obama + “when does life begin?”+ “above my pay grade”

“when does life begin?” + “above everybody’s pay grade”

where does one get an abortion?

where does one get an abortion in Provo, Utah?

“Provo, Utah” + “bus schedule”

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(Originally posted Saturday, September 06, 2008 )

2 NBC
Law & Order: Ice Cream Headache

3 ABC
Sexy L.A. Podiatrists In Breach of Ethics

4 CBS
48 Hours Mystery: A man on the lam for murder hides as a fugitive for 20 years working as a sous chef. Lesley Stahl tries his surprisingly tasty brisket

5 Animal Planet
Animal Cops San Diego: Animal cops reveal key to dolphin psychology: “They’re just really horny” says female animal cop.

6 Fox
America’s Most Wanted scrapes the bottom of the barrel and goes after people stealing cable

10 CNN
The Osmonds Run For President (Can They Win?)

11 Headline News
Nancy Grace licks hand, wipes blood off mouth

12 Lifetime
Looks like cute little Crystal Bernard’s got herself in a bit of a peccadillo!

20 Prayer Network
Why did God cause 9-11? Did we do something wrong?

21 Fox News
Connection between Barack Obama, Hitler and people who eat their families’ brain stems revealed by unemployed schizophrenic truck driver. That’s good enough for Sean Hannity.

22 TNT
Movie: “Air Force One.” Followed by a short film: “How ‘Air Force One’ Marked My First Political Awakening as an Adult American.”

23 E! Entertainment
“Keeping Up With the Kardashians”: A bunch of adult Americans

24 Bloomberg
If we had even a bit of good news about the economy, it’d just be enough to make you bitter

48 FX
Zombie Osmonds Run For President (Brains! Eat brains!)

49 C-SPAN
Sorry, Libertarian conference can’t really help you with affordable housing topic. Or date rape. Or … no, can’t really help you with global warming either. That’s not what we’re really about. We do want the government to leave us alone, though. You want to talk about that? No? OK. Well, vote for Ron Paul!

86 Crosswalk
“Democracy Now”: “You Are Too Pussy To Really Look At How Ugly Your Country Is” and other good-timey folk songs

87 Independent Film Channel
I’m really tired of watching Bijou Phillips get raped in every film she’s in. Does she just have that hate fuck mien or something? Whatever happened to psychotic ex-models just kissing and holding hands?

88 Turner Film Classics
A weeklong salute to Kay Francis. Which is our way of saying: “Not watching us? Who gives a f***?”

89 HBO1
“Flight of the Conchords” is coming back for only one more season because they ran out of songs. Jesus, guys! Write more songs!

90 HBO2
We’re raping Bijou Phillips on this channel, too. Enjoy!

92 Telemundo
Violacion en grupo con Bijou Phillips. Disfruta!

93 Home Shopping Network
Enjoy this bijou. No, not like that!

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(Originally posted Friday, September 05, 2008 )

ST. PAUL, MINN. (API) — Standing before a cheering audience of thousands of fellow GOP members, presidential candidate John McCain vowed once and for all to defeat the Republican party that had nominated him for president of the United States.

“We have for too long let the Republicans sell out American values. Now it’s time for these Republicans to be defeated. Vote for me as your Republican candidate!”

As thousands of cheering Republican delegates cheered on, seemingly oblivious to the message, McCain was stirred to greater heights of impassioned oratory seldom seen by him on the campaign stump.

“We must fight, fight, fight to defeat the Republicans!” he yelled as the crowd cheered on, the convention hall shaking to the rafters.

McCain’s message resonated loud and clear with American voters.

“I was thinking of voting for Barack Obama this year because I liked his message of change,” said Mabry Waldeisen, a mother of four from Saddleback, Wyoming. “I especially liked his message that we needed to run the Republicans out of office. But I’ve got to tell you, I’ve got to think twice about McCain now, because I think he’s really caught on to this anti-Republican sentiment that I and so many many many other Americans are feeling.”

“We have too often been lulled by vice and avarice and bloodlust for power into being a very different kind of party than the one we should be,” McCain said to the crowd in clear, stentorian tones. “Now we have a rare opportunity. A moment to capture. An opportunity to forge real change, stop the partisanship, and defeat the Republican Party once and for all and not stop until it is dead as a doornail.”

The crowd of Republican delegates, unfazed by this clarity of purpose and unambiguous call for the dissolution of the body and spirit of their party, roared on for the candidate who is their default figurehead in an era of backlash against conservatives.

“I like John McCain,” said Ralph Sanderson, a delegate from Hawaii, “because he’s a maverick. He’s willing to speak truth to power and unafraid of the consequences. That’s a quality of leadership you can’t replace with hollow oratory. When he says, ‘Republicans go home!’ you know you can take that sentiment to the bank and cash it.”

“We have to fight, fight, fight the Republicans,” said McCain. “And as your next president, and with a feisty moose-hunting female populist at my side, I vow to put a stake in the heart of this monster once and for all.”

The convention soon ended in a hail of cheers, balloons and smoke.

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Palin’s Hour To Shine

(Originally posted Thursday, September 04, 2008 )

What Did We Learn About Sarah Palin At the Republican Convention, Her First Big Introduction To America?

–*She dislikes Washington types who know what they’re doing when it comes to affairs that concern the national interest. People like lawyers and doctors and professional politicians and people who are well read.

–*She and her husband are from working families whose members are in unions. You know, those things that Ronald Reagan spent eight years trying to destroy

–*She doesn’t think you can be president if all you’ve got on your resume is “community organizer.” Hell, that’s just one step up from Amway salesman. Does Barack Obama even have a degree in anything?

–*She’s a soccer mom. She looks just like you. And that means YOU could run the country. Any of you stupid people.

–*She is proud of John McCain who is a maverick and bucks the system and is willing to stand up to oil companies, Republican leaders, special interests, social conservatives, lobbyists … basically all the people who are in the hall tonight. Now that she thinks about it, what in the hell are you people cheering for?

–*She’s happy to start filling Alaska full of holes drilling for oil so that all of you can feel better that you’re not funding Arab terrorists …

–*…even though drilling in Alaska wouldn’t even bring oil prices down much, much less stop us from giving money to Hugo Chavez. …

–*…she just knows how much you conservatives like ridiculous hypothetical imperatives such as “Wouldn’t you kill a polar bear if it could feed a man’s family?”

–* … and “Wouldn’t you torture an Arab man if you knew it could save a baby’s life? Oh no, I guess YOU LIBERALS wouldn’t!”

–*John McCain is OK with it evidently, since he caved in on the torture issue in a very unmaverick-like way.

–*Palin is willing to keep having babies to send overseas to fight the terrorists.

–*Palin and Hillary Clinton are practically the same person, since both of them have uteruses. Hint, hint, female Democrats!

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(Originally posted Wednesday, September 03, 2008 )

9:22 p.m. We’re about to kick off tonight’s program in St. Paul, Minnesota. On the schedule are independent U.S. Senator Joe Lieberman, and former U.S. Senator and presidential candidate Fred Thompson. The theme of this year’s program seems to be reform. Which brings to mind Pappy O’Daniel’s lament in “O Brother Where Art Thou?”: “How in the hell are we supposed to run on the reform platform? We’re the god damn incumbents!”

9:22 The debate already turned electric earlier today when conservative radio talk show host Laura Ingraham accused the media “elites” of writing stories about VP nominee Sarah Palin. Not only that but in these stories they asked questions about who Palin was and then reported what they learned, coming up with several “facts” which they put into “articles” in an attempt to find out “something about who she is.” All of which are beyond the pale and beneath contempt for the liberal media out to destroy the values of simple, meat-eating Americans and their heterosexual family values.

9:22 Also, Laura Ingraham wants to know if you are calling Americans racist. No, you say. You were just talking about fruit juice. No, she’s pretty sure you were calling her a racist. Case closed. End of story. You are beneath contempt. Unborn babies.

9:22 Also, you are sexist. Attacking poor Sarah Palin for being a hockey mom from a small town. How are you sexist? Because you keep talking and talking about her: “Sarah Palin is a mother of five and goes to church and hunts moose.” I hear you saying it even now dripping with that liberal contempt. I don’t care if you didn’t actually say anything bad about her, I hear it in my mind.

9:22 Somebody is hopefully right now explaining to Laura Ingraham Hegel’s dialectic, which suggests that the inherent stupidity of certain ideas should be immediately self-evident to those who spoke them. Ideas like “Sarah Palin is qualified to be vice president.”

9:44 Thank God. Laura Bush comes out. She’s grace on toast. She is a crostini on a bed of lettuce with a bit of pate. She makes you feel good. She walks and talks and speaks with the elegant simplicity of Occam’s Razor. She is a sorbet accompanied by a dainty burp and a fastidious wipe of the mouth.

9:45 She thanks Minneapolis for the warm welcome that she has received. And by that she means just she. Since her husband is about as welcome here as a warm onion fart in a sauna.

9:46 Laura had previously taken several moments to remind the crowd that hurricane relief efforts are under way in the gulf coast. She was joined by Cindy McCain. This is because domestic disaster relief is a great topic for the girls while the boys are off on alpha male pursuits like invading countries and threatening them with nuclear weapons.

9:48 Laura extols the virtues of Sarah Palin and her years and years and years and years of political experience. And years and years…I think we’ve got every year of experience now. No, one more …. years of experience.

9:46 Laura reminds us that her husband nominated John Roberts and Sam Alito to the Supreme Court, who have absolutely refused to legislate from the bench. And by that she means they are only activists when it comes to laws that conservatives like (see Gonzales vs. Oregon and the phraseology suggesting that the federal government can intervene in states’ issues “for the purpose of protecting public morality.” Also, see “Ledbetter vs. Goodyear,” which is probably the most crass defense of industry against a victimized worker that you’ll ever read.)

9:50: Also, let us not forget, Laura reminds us, that George Bush kept the country safe. Sorry, what she meant to say was, “After failing to keep the country safe, he went off and attacked a lot of random Muslims,” which, while morally indefensible, did provide the emotional closure that Ann Coulter needed to move on.

9:51 Unborn babies.

9:52 Finally, she cuts straight to the point: “Hey, at least my husband’s AIDS and education work wasn’t too horrific, was it? Is this thing on?”

9:54 George W. Bush addresses the crowd from a big screen, being patched in from the Cross Hall of the White House. He says hello to his parents, George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush, who are responsible for his existence. They wave excitedly, not only for the attention, but because they get to be here, while he, the sitting president of their party, somehow does not.

9:55 Bush makes an appeal to Republicans that John McCain is ready to assume the role as leader of the U.S., and that neither the Vietnamese nor the “angry left” of the U.S. could break him. Thus Bush affirms what most of us know already: that he’s pretty much only the president of the right wing. The rest of us are a leaderless group of desert peoples waiting to come back to our country.

9:56 The press is taking pictures of Bush on the big screen. This should create a great “picture inside a picture” deconstructionist effect, what Jacques Derrida and Susan Sontag referred to as the lie of …

9:57 Wait a minute, did Laura Bush say that her husband freed Iran? Did somebody just feed her a big bowl of crazy?

9:58 Race-baiting Laura Ingraham is somewhere race baiting.

9:59 Bush is still on the big screen. There is a delay and he is speaking slowly. Some suspect that the feed looks canned and/or pre-recorded. But why split hairs about the ways the lies are presented?

10:00 An aide signals for him to wait for applause. There it is: The applause comes. And then it stops. He continues. Very professionally done. Nice job.

10:00 A film about Ronald Reagan comes on. It is very stirring to those who like Ronald Reagan.

10:01 The film shows Dutch shaking hands with John McCain. Thus the symbolic torch is passed from sunny, avuncular former actor to acerbic, grudge-holding former POW who thinks you’re an idiot.

10:20 Fred Thompson arrives to extol the meat and potatoes Americanism of VP candidate Sarah Palin. He reminds the crowd that she has actually governed rather than attend Washington cocktail parties. This from a guy who famously chased tail around Washington for years.

10:21 Although most of that experience on Palin’s part has been governing a town of 9000 people. What he meant to say was that she threw the critical free throw that won her small school’s basketball championship. “USA! USA!”

10:22 Both she and McCain are mavericks, says Thompson. Unborn babies.

10:25 Thompson recalls the harrowing tale of McCain’s time as a prisoner of war in Hanoi, where he showed much courage. Stirring to be sure. Now I ask you to imagine that he is still a prisoner today, only now he is more like a geriatric patient being force fed pills by a demented male nurse whose name is Sean Hannity. I really do wish that the old McCain would rise up right now and kick that male nurse’s ass Rambo-style. I really wish he could do that.

10:27 The crowd chants “USA. USA.” This is known as “patriotism.” At least this is the definition in coloring books.

10:39 Joe Lieberman comes in. He asks what a Democrat is doing at the Republican party convention. Rather than asking a more obvious question: What is a Republican doing calling himself a Democrat?

10:42 Lieberman recalls the spirit of bipartisanship and progress made by presidential predecessors such as Bill Clinton. This goes over about as well as a dead baby joke.

10:43 Lieberman says he wants McCain to be president because he’ll get things done and reach across party lines, which is what we need today. Actually, what we need is to stop invading countries that haven’t attacked us.

10:44 Lieberman makes an appeal to Clinton Democrats: “Look, we hired a woman! That one was for you, girls!”

11:00 Maverick. Unborn babies. Reformer. Unborn babies. Oil. Unborn babies.

11:05 The convention ends for the night on a muted note as the Republicans try to assess the damage of Hurricane Gustav. Muted conventioneers go out and seek muted encounters with muted hookers.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, September 02, 2008 )

My wife Stephanie, star of “The Retributioners” is the subject of a 10-minute radio interview on the online magazine “Funny Not Slutty,” a site for females who produce, write and direct comedy. The site is run by our friend, “Funny Or Die” filmmaker and gadabout Jacki Schklar.

The interview covers topics such as the genesis for the idea of the Retributioners, as well as a bit of stuff about how Stephanie and I met and got married and how we work as a team. Steph is a good interview, and funny.

You can hear all the juicy details here.

Stephanie and I just got back from our Miami vacation yesterday and are very sorry to say that the Miami Beach restaurant Joe’s Stone Crab, which we had heard so much about, is closed until October. Despite my numerous applications of sunscreen, I also somehow got a hideous sunburn at South Beach. The next day, however, I was taken care of at the Aquanox Spa, inside the Trump International Beach Resort, by a nice woman who gave me the “Dilo Rescue Wrap.” Thank you, The Donald.

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(Originally posted Monday, September 01, 2008 )

What Are Some of the Anticipated Highlights of the Republican National Convention?

–*Large JumboTron TV screens will cover not only the activity on the convention floor but also the progress of Hurricane Gustav, which will serve as a stirring reminder of how well Republicans respond to domestic natural disasters

–*There will be an hour-long 16 mm film of vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin hunting and killing moose with three of her deerstalker-hatted children in tow.

–*Day 3 is Alaska Day, when the a state contingent performs native dances and, as part of local custom, hands every delegate in the hall a $1900 oil lease dividend check courtesy of Exxon.

–*McCain will dutifully ask the party for muted festivities during this critical moment on the Gulf Coast. After all, he doesn’t want to be upstaged by a fast-moving awe-inspiring phenomenon that causes much excitement.

–*Sarah Palin will extol her record of foreign policy experience, specifically settling disputes with the Japanese over quotas for king crab, smoked salmon, pollock and orange roughy.

–*Sarah Palin’s question, “What does a vice president do?” will be answered in short order during the Republican hazing ceremony known as “VP Dunk Tank.”

–*On Day 4, the press officially acknowledges that McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin for the VP slot has officially been downgraded from a brilliant tactical move to a horrible strategic blunder.

–*Sarah Palin gives one of her famous speeches in which she says Americans want a youthful voice for change. Then she introduces running mate John McCain, who is 72 years old and hasn’t changed his position on Iraq, abortion, the economy or the environment in years.

–*The Republicans remind America that nobody really knows what a “community organizer” and “civil rights attorney” does, but that everybody understands beauty contests and moose hunting.

–*The Republicans rush to paint liberals as hating small-town American values embodied by those like Sarah Palin. In fact, they do this so quickly, and before any word has been said, that liberals might innocently reply, “Gee, you people sure sound insecure about your hockey mom, there.”

–*The Orange Order marches through downtown Belfast, causing a riot. Oh, sorry. Wrong crazy people.

–*A great rockin’ tune will be played that sums up the Republican Party’s message and clear vision for the future. This tune will be chosen when the party can come up with a vision and a message other than, “Everybody’s going to die if you don’t vote Republican,” for which there is currently no appropriate hit song.

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Expect…

(Originally posted Wednesday, August 27, 2008 )

…fewer blogs for the next few days as the wife and I go on a little vacation. We’re seeing Miami, which I’ve never been to. I’m sure that Steph, now the proud owner of a BlackBerry and a mobile Facebook uploader, will be posting pictures of me in South Beach in my swimsuit looking like a fat bull seal. Thanks in advance, honey!

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(Originally posted Wednesday, August 27, 2008 )

Ted Kennedy makes
emotional plea: “You owe
My family, fuckers!”

Michelle Obama:
“I don’t hate whites, the U.S.
Kittens or puppies”

There’s Jimmy Carter
For God’s sake; don’t let him talk
That’s right, Jimmy. Wave.

Bill Clinton holds a
grudge big enough to destroy
You and your family

Bill Clinton: great mind
Great appetite; great temper
Great sex drive. Just great.

Time heals all wounds; but
Hell hath no fury like a
Clinton voter scorned

Hillary’s roll call
Vote now taking place in the
Denny’s parking lot

Clinton voters seek
“catharsis;” and by that they
mean unfettered rage

“I’m still voting for
Hill,” say mouthbreathing pseudo-
feminist yutzes

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