(Originally posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 )
What would people say if they were to actually articulate the ways they usually behaved?
–*I don’t like my job as a lawyer working 80 hours a week, but I keep doing it because it affords me a sense of prestige and allows me all kinds of social posturing that I cannot live without.
–*There are many seats in this coffee house, but I want yours because I always sit there and it gives me a sense of consistency and familiarity that behooves my particular chemical imbalance.
–*People who do the right thing are usually obnoxious, which is why I like to punch them in the face.
–*Fairly often, I like to get rid of all my clothes, mainly because they remind me of things I don’t like about myself.
–*Fairly often, I like to get rid of all my friends, mainly because they remind me of things I don’t like about myself. Then I like to marry a European.
–*I need a really strong mook of a guy who has no feminine qualities so that I feel more like a girl. Because for much of my life, I haven’t.
–*Boney, sickly skinny women aren’t really that attractive, but I will take you because it still reflects well on me.
–*I like to repeat to anybody who will listen that I am an artist because it helps put salve on a sorely lacking sense of identity.
–*I want to convert and marry into a Hasidic Jewish community and wear a wig and not touch anybody when I menstruate because it will help salve a sorely lacking sense of identity.
–*I want to be president because I’d be so powerful I’d get to fuck a lot of chicks.
–*I like to sleep with third-tier celebrities because of my overarching sense of worthlessness.
–*I like to say I’m related to Herve Villechaize because I can’t stand it when nobody pays attention to me.
–*I like to make a list of enemies whenever I start a new job. That way my paranoia has faces and names I can assign to it.
–*I like to pace around the house because I am deathly afraid I will accomplish something awful if I sit down.
–*I like to show the spots on my big wings to attract a mate because I am a monarch butterfly.
–*I like to show my cleavage to stockbrokers because I am a skank from Staten Island.
–*I like to play air guitar because I am frightened that I would actually have to practice a real one.
–*I like to play a real guitar, because it’s a real turn-on to a girl, at least until you marry her.
–*I like to fight for the last seat on the bus with old women, even if I don’t really need it, just because I am hard-wired to be competitive and assert my dominance, and I am hoping that all the potential mates around me will then pick up on my manly scent.
–*I’m pretty, so I don’t have to say anything.
–*I’m not pretty, and sometimes it feels like I’ve got to talk forever and ever and ever.
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